June 21, 2008

Spin Cycle: Retail No-No, Naked Lady and a Crustacean Caper

By Joan Morris, Contra Costa Times, Walnut Creek, Calif.

Jun. 21--Tough lessons

At times, the Spin Cycle likes to drop its completely unhelpful tone and try to impart a measure of wisdom. And here it is.

Let's say you manage to get a job in a jewelry store and a customer comes in and asks to see a very expensive ring. And then he asks to see another expensive ring, and another and another. And then starts hanging diamond necklaces around his neck and pointing ring-studded fingers at the bracelets.

There's a chance here -- just a slight one, mind you -- that he may not be what we like to call "a paying customer." At least the guy who did it at a Calgary jewelry store wasn't. He walked off with almost $10,000 worth of trinkets.

Barely there

We're not sure if this will help or harm tourism in Ashland, Ore., but a woman known around town as "The Naked Lady" plans to march in the city's annual Fourth of July parade wearing nothing but a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell. We assume the shell is necessary to draw attention to herself, otherwise people might not notice.

Ashland nudity laws permits folks to walk around town in various states of undress, requiring only that the genitalia be covered.

But the city leaders aren't pleased by the woman's plans. They insist the parade is a family celebration and a naked, conch-blowing woman doesn't reflect the spirit of the holiday.

If the city tries

to stop her, she told the local paper, she plans to run around near naked protesting the un-Americanism of it all. And then she'll sue the pants off them. Can't get more American than that.

Chilling caper

And speaking of bone-chilling experiences, a chef in Brooklyn was arrested after he walked into a restaurant freezer and started stuffing frozen lobster tails down his pants.

We're trying to think up a coherent explanation for this, other than the obvious. Perhaps he was suffering from heat stroke. It was a natural response to a harrowing situation, your honor.

Of course, the bandages he'd wrapped around his legs to protect himself from freezer burn are hard to explain.

-- Joan Morris

Spin Cycle is a random column that takes a quirky view of the daily news and everyday happenings. Reach Joan Morris at 925-977-8479 or [email protected] group.com.


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