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Schools Coming Through in Family Crises: Counselors, Staffs Reach Out to Help Families Coping With Grief

Posted on: Monday, 27 February 2006, 09:00 CST

By Toya Lynn Stewart, The Dallas Morning News

Feb. 25--Camesia Mokoko-Reed was pregnant with her fourth child when her 9-year-old daughter died of heart failure in November 2004.

Beyond the mother's all-consuming grief was another pressing concern: how to pay for Cuaminee Smith's funeral.

Less than five hours after the fourth-grader's death, the funeral expenses had been covered thanks to staff members from Arlington's Crow Elementary School, which she attended.

Whether they're coordinating meals for a family, spending hours at the hospital or finding funeral clothes -- in some cases for the student who died -- school counselors have done it all when tragedy strikes one of their own.

"We're in the business of educating students and trying to help them cope to get an education," said Patricia Melton, executive director of guidance, counseling and staff development for the Arlington school district.

If there are barriers to getting that education, including dealing with a family's grief, the school district steps in, Ms. Melton said.

In Arlington, when a student or staff member dies, the school library becomes the counseling center. It's stocked with tissue for tears and pencils, crayons, markers and paper for making cards or writing letters. Librarians pull out books about grief and other resources.

Staff members have copies of the student's schedule and building maps to assist outside counselors who visit classrooms and talk to that student's peers.

If families want to talk, counselors and others make themselves available. At the end of the day, staff members gather to talk about their feelings and get counseling for themselves.

Rosemarie Allen, an associate superintendent for the Dallas district, remembers when no one at school talked about students who died.

"There would be an empty chair in the classroom," she said.

A lot has changed since then -- inside school and out.

Off-campus help

"It's become necessary to go beyond the campus," Dr. Allen said. "It became very apparent there was a huge need to be with the family, and there was a huge need for a link between the family and the school.

"By helping the family, it helps the school community. We're going to do whatever we can to wrap our arms around the family."

The Dallas district's crisis plans were put into action most recently with the deaths of school board trustee Joe May, who died of a heart attack, and 15-year-old freshman Jeremy Thomas, who was found dead in the locker room at Oak Cliff's Adamson High School before a basketball game.

"The primary focus is that the children continue learning," said Connie Wilson, a licensed psychologist for Dallas schools. "If you don't help them or their families deal with it, it prolongs the ability to get back to normal."

Some area counselors have even gone so far as to help families work with the Mexican consul to arrange burials in Mexico.

Ms. Mokoko-Reed, who has two other children at Crow Elementary, said she is grateful to school staff members for their help after Cuaminee's death.

"I was told what they did wasn't possible because it was a public school system, but they went above and beyond what they were expected to do," she said. "For days, they worked past their workday, and even though they had their own families, it was all about my family."

Crow counselor Kay Wright spent hours searching for donations and even found a charity that had a plot at an Arlington cemetery, where Cuaminee was later buried.

"I do it because I want to," Ms. Wright said. "I can't go to sleep at night knowing I could help and I didn't."

Richard Wong, executive director of the American School Counselor Association, said helping families is part of a counselor's role.

"In the past 10 to 20 years, there's been a greater enlightenment among counselors about crisis and grief," Mr. Wong said. "There's been more research about the effects of grief on students and their families."

The association doesn't offer a list of do's and don'ts for counselors but says there are limits.

"Everything should be filtered through the lenses of academic achievement," Mr. Wong said. "We remind them that they are trained for certain things and not for other things."

Paul Weaver, director of counseling and guidance for the Plano school district, said his staff relies on cues from families.

"They know our job as counselors is to take care of students in the school," he said.

Levatta Levels, director of special programs for the DeSoto school district, said staff members rely on donations and in-kind services to help families.

"It's very rare that we can't help," she said. "We're a small family when something happens, and if it affects one of us, it affects all of us."

Appreciated support

It's a lesson that Laura Dickey learned when her daughter Emily Hunter died in 2003 from a rare form of bone cancer.

Emily's one wish was to graduate, so the staff at Arlington High School planned a special ceremony in her honor. They ordered her diploma, cap and gown and made arrangements for the school choir, orchestra and color guard to perform.

Emily died one day before the ceremony, but the school held the program anyway. They awarded Emily's diploma to her family.

Ms. Dickey, a teacher in Arlington, said she still hears from school staff and students who knew her daughter.

"Your gut is gone, and you need that support," Ms. Dickey said. "You're in a club you don't want to be in ... but people were willing to do anything. It meant the most to us."

E-mail tstewart@dallasnews.com

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Copyright (c) 2006, The Dallas Morning News

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Source: The Dallas Morning News

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