Don’t Ask ‘Mummy’
By Phil Villarreal, The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson
Jul. 31–WHOEVER BURIED THE DRAGON EMPEROR — a cursed Chinese super-mummy waiting to bust out and enslave China — really didn’t want him to be discovered.
In “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor,” adventurer Alex O’Connell (Luke Ford), son of series protagonist Rick (Brendan Fraser), dodges collapsing walls and eludes crossbow machines that fire arrows. Then sand starts pouring out of a mega moon roof.
After all that, Alex has to fight a female ninja. Yes, a ninja. Which gets you thinking — does the ninja just live there? What does she do during her downtime? And since ninjas were Japanese, is this ninja part of some Pan-Asian ancient temple security contract?
Such questions jut out like pressure-sensitive wall-spikes throughout the silliness that is the third “Mummy” film. Not to harp on logical inconsistencies — after all, this is a summer action flick — but you just have to wonder why Yetis guarding the entrance to Shangri-La in 1946 would celebrate tossing enemies by making a referee’s field goal signal.
And it’s also odd how Alex and Rick appear to be the same age (Fraser is a young-looking 39 while Ford, in his late 20s, could pass for 35). And bizarre that Alex talks in a Bawston accent while his pops has no speech inflection, and his mother, Evelyn (Maria Bello), carries a dainty British lilt.
The incongruous distractions — some intended, most not — are the only entertainment in the otherwise drab, predictable movie, with a plot that’s been recycled so many times that if you flip it over, you’ll find that interlocked triangle symbol.
Like other “Mummy” films, “Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” rips off Indiana Jones. This one apes “Temple of Doom,” the worst of the series, copying such plot points and set pieces as the rescue of a Chinese artifact, a brawl at a ritzy night club and the booby-trapped temple. At least director Rob Cohen spared us the annoyance of Short Round.
The story picks up in 1946, when explorers Rick and Evelyn are called out of retirement to return a supernatural diamond to China. They run into Alex, who has dropped out of school to pursue the family grave-robbing business.
After the usual accidental mummy resurrection, mummified Emperor Han (Jet Li) reapplies himself to the goal he had in the prologue — take over the country, rule with violence and stamp out liberty. Had he waited a few more years he might have fit in nicely with the Communist regime.
The O’Connells team up with the temple ninja, Lin (Isabella Long), who turns out to be not only a nice yet misunderstood ninja, but an undead magical warrior with the handy ability to call upon Yetis to rise up from the snow and snuff out mummy soldiers.
Lin’s mother, Zi (Michelle Yeoh), also joins in the fray. Not to be outdone by her daughter, Zi raises an army of undead who tangle with Han’s legions as the O’Connells run around spitting out sarcastic zingers.
At first Lin and Zi declare that “all will be lost” if Han enters Shangri-La, relieves his curse and becomes immortal.
Then after Han becomes immortal, they explain that he can still actually be killed if he’s stabbed in the heart by a special dagger (which definitely defeats the purpose of immortality).
There’s an important lesson here: Whatever immortal ninja temple guardians tell you, take it with a grain of salt because they tend to exaggerate.
Speaking of untrustworthy pronouncements, remember when Jet Li said he was retiring a few years ago? Um, it seems it was a Brett Favre retirement.
Li still makes at least two films a year, although he may as well be retired considering how little screen time he gets in this movie.
Most of Han’s face time comes in the form of badly rendered CGI that makes him look like Darth Maul if he took a light saber to the face.
As mummies go, Han isn’t so scary because he’s too goofy to take seriously. Running from him is like being chased by Roger Rabbit.
The prospect of sitting through this film, though, is as chilling as the sight of Boris Karloff in bandages.
Review
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
*1/2
–Rated: PG-13 for adventure action and violence.
–Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, Michelle Yeoh.
–Director: Rob Cohen.
–Family call: Could scare younger kids.
–Running time: 114 minutes.
Caliente contest has a prize fit for a Dragon Emperor
Brendan Fraser has starred in all three films as adventurer Rick O’Connell in the modern “Mummy” series, but the actress who played Evelyn, his love interest in the first two films, didn’t return for the third movie. Maria Bello takes her place in the new film.
Tell us the name of the first actress who played Evelyn and you’ll be entered in a drawing to win a “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” baseball cap. Send your answers to caliente@ azstarnet.com by 5 p.m. Monday.
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Copyright (c) 2008, The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson
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