His Life in 3-D

By Craig D. Lindsey, The News & Observer, Raleigh, N.C.

Aug. 1–With “Journey to the Center of the Earth,” the upcoming “Fly Me to the Moon” and that Hannah Montana concert movie that showed up on TV last weekend hitting me from all directions, I think it’s time to come clean: I love anything in 3-D.

I’ve been seriously sprung on 3-D ever since I was a kid. Gimmicky and headache-inducing as it may be, I’ve fully immersed myself in many viewing experiences that involved wearing cardboard “glasses” with red-and-blue cellophane in them.

Here’s a lengthy rundown of notable moments — some good, some bad, some what-the? — from my ongoing love affair with 3-D.

1982 — See my first 3-D movie — on TV, a kung-fu flick called “Dynasty.” I get the glasses from my nearby 7-Eleven. Try to tape it when it replays a week later; end up taping “Sportsworld” on NBC. My first biggest catastrophe.

1982 — After much pleading, my mom takes me to see my first 3-D movie on the big screen: “Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein.” Yeah, I now think that was a mistake, considering I was 6 at the time. All I remember is breasts and internal organs.

1983 — Try to watch “Friday the 13th Part 3-D” on cable, using my old “Dynasty” glasses. The film is shown without the 3-D effects. The movie’s lousiness comes out in full bloom.

1983 — See “Jaws 3-D” for my 7th birthday. The glasses aren’t red and blue, but clear. I think that is awesome. The movie blows, though.

1984 — Mom rents “It Came From Outer Space,” which is complete with two pairs of 3-D glasses. The movie apparently screws up our VCR. From then on, every video we watch is in black-and-white.

1985 — Watch the runaway-monster movie “Gorilla at Large.” Once again, I get the 3-D glasses at 7-Eleven. Don’t even think about taping it. Our VCR is still broken.

1989 — Watch the Super Bowl halftime show, a rock-and-roll magic show called “Bebop Bamboozled,” which is in 3-D. Get the glasses from a 12-pack of Coke. It’s crazy lame, but I manage to tape it successfully.

1990 — Watch 10 minutes of a televised Rolling Stones concert, which was specially filmed in 3-D. Once again, the glasses are available at 7-Eleven stores. Unfortunately, there are no more 7-Elevens in my state. I use the glasses from the Super Bowl halftime show. That works.

1991 — Watch a special 3-D screening of “Hondo,” starring John Wayne, on TV. I think I got the glasses (which I still have) from a Long John Silver’s. Videotape recording is once again a success.

1994 — As part of a sweeps-month stunt, Fox airs a 3-D episode of “Married … with Children” and a direct-to-TV “Revenge of the Nerds” movie with a three-dimensional scene. I watch them with glasses from Subway. I soon regret it.

1997 — As part of another sweeps stunt, ABC airs several sitcoms (“The Drew Carey Show,”"Ellen”) in 3-D, while NBC airs a 3-D episode of “3rd Rock from the Sun.” The ABC stunt (I get the glasses from a Wendy’s) is better than the NBC stunt (another Subway run).

1999 — Finally see “It Came From Outer Space,” the movie that destroyed my family’s first VCR, on the big screen. I forgive it.

2000 — Go to a midnight repertory theater screening of my first 3-D porn movie, “Disco Dolls in Hot Skin.” All I remember is breasts and John Holmes. ‘Nuff said.

2002 — Buy DVD copy of the 1981 movie “Coming At Ya!” with 3-D glasses enclosed, at a nearby Borders, before I go off to audition for a spot on “Russell Simmons’ Def Poetry.” Needless to say, I don’t get the gig.

2002-2003 — Another IMAX screen, which will show 3-D movies, opens up in my town. I view movies like “Cirque du Soleil — Journey of Man,”"Cyberworld 3D” and James Cameron’s “Ghosts of the Abyss” while wearing IMAX’s infamous “3-D helmet,” which you literally have to strap to your head.

2002 — Go see “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” I wear the glasses, which had a strap connecting the handles, around my head at a hip-hop show a few days later, hoping it catches on. It doesn’t.

2002 — See a midnight screening of another 3-D porn movie, “Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy.” All I remember is breasts. No John Holmes. Thank goodness.

2004-2005 — Start watching IMAX 3-D movies (like “The Polar Express”) at the Exploris (now Marbles) IMAX theater. The glasses are much slimmer, more comfortable and less head-crushing.

2005 — Go see “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D.” Unless it involves killer hookers or machine gun-wielding strippers, Robert Rodriguez really shouldn’t make another 3-D movie.

2006 — Go back to my hometown to see “Monster House” in that Real-D format. That format doesn’t hit Raleigh until …

2007 — … when I watch “Meet the Robinsons” and the noisy-as-all-get-out “Beowulf” on Raleigh screens. Still use the glasses from the “Monster House” screening.

2008 — Watch “U2 3D” at the Marbles IMAX. A bigheaded Bono + 3-D effects = visions that still haunt my dreams.

Craig D. Lindsey

Twilight awaits

PL knows that Twilight moms, teens and other Stephenie Meyer fans probably already know this, but for the record, the Triangle bookstores we’re listing will begin selling “Breaking Dawn” at midnight Saturday. All have activities planned before the big sale, with promotions that vary from costume contests to trivia games and scavenger hunts.

Call for more details.

And if you’re a speedy reader, send us your review. E-mail them to adrienne.johnson@newsobserver.com and we’ll share. Or post them at the “Breaking Dawn” forum at www.trianglemom2mom.com.

Quail Ridge Books & Music

3522 Wade Ave., Raleigh. 828-1588.

Barnes & Noble stores:

760 S.E. Maynard Road, Cary. 467-3866.

Triangle Town Center, Raleigh. 792-2140.

Brier Creek Commons, Raleigh. 484-9903.

Crabtree Valley Mall, Raleigh. 782-0030.

The Streets at Southpoint, Durham. 806-1930.

5400 New Hope Commons, Durham. 489-3012.

Borders stores:

1751 Walnut St., Cary. 469-1930.

1541 Beaver Creek Commons Drive, Apex. 363-8446.

1807 Fordham Blvd., Chapel Hill. 929-8332.

404 E. Six Forks Road, Raleigh. 755-9424.

8825 Six Forks Road, Raleigh. 845-1154.

Relive your nightmare

Remember the one who locked you out of the room at exam time? Or the one who stole your car? College roommates, can’t live with them, but sometimes you have to. For our upcoming college issue, we are looking for your worst college roommate experiences. Send your stories to phillip.crook@newsobserver.com by 5 p.m. Monday.

For those with OJB

Go to www.newsobserver.com and see a gallery of Jonas Brothers photos. Please.

See Sunday’s Arts & Living for our fan review.

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