Forget All the Ancient Jokes, Life is Funniest

By Tam Cowan

HISTORY experts have unearthed a list of the world’s oldest jokes, with some of the gags dating way back to 1600BC.

However, I won’t be repeating any of them in today’s column, as this would only spoil the enjoyment for those readers who’ve bought tickets to see Jim Bowen or Roy Walker at this year’s Edinburgh Festival.

What I will tell you is the oldest British joke on the list: What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before…?

The answer, of course, is a key.

Hilarious, eh?

All that proves is (a) the ancient Britons had a rotten sense of humour and (b) men lying about the size of their boaby is nothing new.

What hangs at a man’s thigh???

How come I get the feeling you female readers were laughing out loud long before the punchline?

Telling a joke is fast becoming a dying art.

Thanks to modern technology, every new gag is quickly circulated by text or email and you can barely utter the first few words without three of your pals saying: “Heard it.”

Yep, gone are the days when pubs would rock with laughter thanks to a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman going for a job interview or a bloke walking into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

It would appear we’ve heard them all before.

Thankfully, though, real life is always funnier than corny old gags.

I was laughing like a drain this week when I heard a true story from the Maidenhead Royal Hospital in Kent.

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, the doctor asked: “How long have you been bed-ridden?”

After a look of complete confusion, the old dear answered: “Why, not for about 20 years – when my husband was still alive…”

Meanwhile, on the train from Glasgow to Motherwell on Monday afternoon, I overheard another rather confused old biddy saying to her pal that “Boy George” had been cleared of murdering Jill Dando.

And I salute the guy in front of me in Marks & Spencer on Sunday afternoon. When the checkout assistant asked if he had like a Bag For Life, he said: “I’ve already got one, thanks. We’ve been married 27 years.”

See what I mean? Real-life humour is always funnier.

Sometimes, of course, it is totally unintentional.

Singer-songwriter Andy Fair weather Low celebrated his 60th birthday at the weekend, and this reminded me of the true story from the Seventies when Terry Wogan was interviewing World War II hero Sir Douglas Bader on his Radio 2 show.

At the end of their chat, Terry apparently said: “Thanks, Sir Douglas.

“Now, here’s Andy Fairweather Low with Wide-Eyed And Legless…”

Oops.

The art of telling jokes down the pub may be a thing of the past, but there will always be other ways of raising a smile in your local boozer.

Cumbernauld reader Stevie Winter emailed this week to tell us about a guy who loves to bet people a drink that he’s got your name tattooed on his bum.

Once the wager has been agreed, he drops his strides and, sure enough, he has got “Your Name” tattooed on his bahookie.

Meanwhile, as I’ve mentioned over the past couple of weeks, inventive pub signs are also good for a giggle.

On the back of “Free Beer Tomorrow” (ask for a pint and you’ll be told to come back tomorrow) and “Free Beer Tonight From 9pm” (Free Beer was the name of a band), I’d like to share another cracker that was emailed by Moray reader Mick Fryer.

He spotted a sign outside a pub in Dartmoor that read: “Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground.

“They burn the hands and knees of customers when they leave.”

Brilliant.

‘Telling a joke is a dying art. New gags are circulated by email, so you utter the first word and pals yell: “Heard it.”‘

(c) 2008 Daily Record; Glasgow (UK). Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.