Thanks John, but We’Ll Let You Know Whatever Will Be Out of His Shell Afterwords . .

By John Gibson

JEREMY PAXMAN having rubber-stamped it, so to speak, what more’s to be said of the 11th edition of tome of tomes, the Chambers Dictionary, other than warn you it could be a health hazard?

With its 170,000 words and phrases, 270,000 definitions, plus a thousand new words and meanings, it’s weighty. Drop this on your cranium, even from coffee table altitude, and you’re a candidate for A & E. Drop it on your foot and you won’t be in the first team on Saturday.

I volunteered a few new phrases myself but the publishers, based here in Edinburgh, politely wrote back, saying “we’ll let your know.” Maybe in the 12th edition?

Broke my heart, so it did, seeing the latest press picture of Doris Day out shopping from her Carmel, California, home. She’s 84, dammit, but regardless, could this really be the Doris I once idolised, the same mega movie star?

She had global chart-toppers with songs like Que Sera Sera and Deadwood Stage and with a breathy ballad titled It’s Magic. Uncouth adolescents parodied that one with their own bawdy lyrics… you sigh, yer teeth fa’ oot, ye shake yer widdin’ leg aboot, it’s tragic.

Women were bowled over. Short of entertainment in those days, the louche lads were obliged to compose their own love songs. There was no Last of the Summer Wine to keep them enthralled.

Talking scary pics in the papers, you couldn’t help but notice Robbie Coltrane lolloping around LA in a T-shirt and shorts. Give blobby Robbie ten out of ten for courage. Were local motorists treating him as a roundabout?

Worried of Willowbrae wonders about the snails plaguing her garden. “You’ve had some gardening hints in your column lately. What can I do?” Try the BBC’s gardening expert Richard Jones’ internet blog. Don’t call me, send me an e-snail.

. . sit-down comedian Happy Howden calls me from deepest Silverknowes with this jolly jape: “What do Rangers and easyJet have in common? They’re both in and out of Europe in three hours.” Nice one, Happy, I’ve passed it to David Murray.

(c) 2008 Evening News; Edinburgh (UK). Provided by ProQuest LLC. All rights Reserved.