September 10, 2008

All-Round Amateur Talent Show

By LAMPP, Peter

REVIEW New Zealand's Got Talent. Prime, last night. Reviewed (reluctantly) by Peter Lampp -------------------- I write this from the lav. After one hour of episode one, I feel poorly and promise never to visit it again.

Perhaps NZGT was a high school concert take-off of America's Got Talent filmed in the Awahuri Hall or the Orepuki Oyster-Cleaning Factory.

Andrew Mulligan is a humorous presenter on The Crowd Goes Wild. But Andrew, please, bale out while you have time.

It's obvious the programme staff sent a sheep dog out to round up as many stray people in Auckland as they could find and as gratitude, the dog got to dance too.

Sadly the whole thing was amateurish, from the judges to the set to the kids and miscellaneous weird people who took the stage.

Someone released a wee hairy, black porker to trot around the stage for no good reason.

There were a couple of exceptions. A sword swallower swallowed his sword and he was banished with three Xs. What did they expect him to do? Push it out through his shoes!

A woman sang a fair Carmen but how could they compare her with a barking sheep dog? I've seen more entertainment on a hydatids strip.

And how could some guy who bounces a soccer ball while lying on his back merit winning $100,000? What would the piggie do with 100 grand?

A cowgirl rocked on with a whip, cracked it and promptly entangled it in her hair. A guy called Peyton Jacinto wore such a monumental wig while belting out Neil Diamond he should've been hidden behind the backdrop, heard and not seen.

But give it credit. The programme was tightly edited out of deference to the viewers' well being. Boycott it until the finals and spare us the paracetamol.

A whole bunch of kids and cheerleaders came on, hipped, hopped and did flips which would have excited their grandparents. Maybe the guy wearing tap gumboots had it tapped, especially when he turned the taps on the judges.

David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan the judges were not. It was all too New Zillin, lacking in personality, too many awesomes from Miriama Smith and "are yo serious about wunning thus competution" from another. The nasty guy wasn't nasty.

But worst of all, the clods even invited most of the oddities back.

Bring back Dancing with the Stars, bring back Stars in their Eyes, bring back the rooster from Kaiteriteri! All is forgiven. NZGT's title just does not ring true.


Do you agree with Peter Lampp? Write to the editor at PO Box 3, Palmerston North or [email protected]

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