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Five years on, September 11 widow ready to help others

Posted on: Tuesday, 5 September 2006, 09:29 CDT

By Belinda Goldsmith

NEW YORK (Reuters) - It has taken five years for Pattie Carrington to come to terms with the death of her husband on September 11, but now she is ready to make changes in her life and wants to help others get through the kind of loss she faced.

British-born Jeremy Carrington, 34, called "Caz" by friends and colleagues, was a trader at securities brokerage Cantor Fitzgerald, which suffered the greatest death toll that day, losing 658 employees in the World Trade Center.

He went to work as usual that morning. In total, 2,759 people died in the World Trade Center towers.

"I think it was the acceptance that was the most difficult part. It was such a shock and it was so unbelievable. They were so alive, these people," Carrington, 39, told Reuters in an interview.

Carrington, who was raised in New England but has lived in New York for nearly 20 years, at first stayed busy as a managing director at Deutsche Asset Management, putting in long hours as she struggled to accept what had happened.

But just before the attacks' first anniversary, she met with three other September 11 widows in their 30s. The four forged a strong bond and began their own support group called the Widows Club.

This month sees the release of their book, "Love You, Mean It," a memoir of rebuilt lives.

In the book, Carrington, Julia Collins, Claudia Gerbasi and Ann Haynes explain how their friendship guided them through the suffering, making them more empathetic and attuned to life.

Gerbasi's husband Bart Ruggiere, 32, and Haynes' husband Ward Haynes, 35, also worked at Cantor Fitzgerald, which has distributed $180 million to survivors of employees killed in the attacks. Tom Collins, 36, worked at broker-dealer Sandler O'Neill & Partners, which also gave financial help to survivors.

Although their families and friends were eager to help, the widows found themselves drawn together to talk without worrying about depressing others, saying the wrong thing, or making anyone uncomfortable with their intense unhappiness.

The book's title came from the signoff they used in their e-mails and phone conversations.

"By writing all this down, we've been able to see in black and white just how far we've come and how much we've helped one another," write the women.

"Now we see life -- the demands of it, the fragility of it, the beauty of it -- with all its possibilities."

MOVING FORWARD

The book tells how each of the women met their husbands, the shock of their deaths, and how their friendship for each other gave them strength.

They called each other at any time during the day or night. They coaxed each other into therapy. They ensured birthdays and vacations were made special and not empty days.

Carrington said writing the book helped her come to terms with her husband's death, and in June this year she quit her job and spent more than two months traveling in Italy.

Two of the others in the group -- Gerbasi and Haynes -- have remarried since 9/11.

Carrington said she now wants to do something different, be that working in charity, teaching or studying.

She intends to stay in New York, where she still lives in the Brooklyn apartment she shared with her husband, and she spends free time with their dog Lola at their beach house in nearby East Hampton.

Carrington, whose eyes reveal the pain she had endured, hopes the book will inspire others.

"There are all sorts of losses in life - not just the loss of a spouse. It can be a job, divorce, a child, everything. It is a message of 'Don't give up, and reach out'," she said. Proceeds from the book will go to charity.

Carrington said she would never have thought five years ago that she could accept what happened and move forward, but she was also determined not to give up.

"(Caz) is always on mind. He's always with me. Many of my decisions are based on my conversations with him even though they may be one directional. He would have been very supportive of how I've handled things. Not perfectly, but I tried my best. He would want me to live my life."

Source: REUTERS

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