She Needs a ‘Venting Buddy,’ and to Play That Role, Too

By AMY DICKINSON

Q. I’ve had a very challenging year. I had surgery. My husband has had numerous business trips out of the country. I am a full- time caregiver. And I am struggling to handle all of life’s daily tasks while still in physical therapy.

Sometimes I just want to let off a little steam with friends and loved ones. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, I have a very good life. Still, especially during a difficult week with little assistance, I get a little blue.

Talking helps. I just want to not feel alone. However, I don’t know how to handle the “encouragement” I receive.

Many people seem to feel that I will perk up if reminded how much better off I am than others. For example, my husband is out of the country for a few weeks. I’m handling all my usual duties and his. My friends will say, “Well at least he’s not a soldier in Iraq. You know your husband is coming home.”

If I mention residual pain from my surgery, I hear, “At least we live in a country where you can get that kind of surgery. “

Amy, I do realize those things, and I am grateful for my good fortune. I just don’t find much comfort or encouragement in being reminded that others are facing harsher challenges than mine. I feel as if I have no right to feel tired, sad or overtaxed.

If I hear one more “Well, at least” statement, I could fall apart. Any advice?

Needs a Hug in Maryland

You shouldn’t have to justify how you feel to people who understand and respect you.

You need a “venting buddy.” This is a friend who can listen not comment on the relative severity of your problems, not try to “fix” them and then offer that all-important hug.

To have that kind of friend, you have to be that kind of friend. Make sure that you are. You also need to present a balanced view of your life share the good things as well as the bad.

Q. My daughter is 13 years old. Never an easygoing person, she is even more challenging in adolescence. This may seem like a small issue, but the latest constant argument is about her refusal to wear a coat and hat in the winter on her walk to school.

Although she picked out a warm $100 parka last year, she doesn’t like it anymore. She wears a fleece jacket and no hat because it would mess up her hair.

Do I let her learn the hard way? Insist that she wear a coat? Have a rule based on temperature? You are a parent. When do you decide to put your foot down?

Frustrated Mom

It’s not always wise to put your foot down with an adolescent girl. If you do, she’s likely to stomp on it and then proudly announce on her MySpace page that she’s done so. Thirteen-year-old girls can be fearsome creatures. Thankfully, they grow and change.

I like the idea of an agreement between the two of you based on the temperature. You should term this an agreement rather than a rule, however. You say, “Can we agree that when the temperature hits 25 degrees, you’ll wear your coat and at least take a hat with you?”

If your daughter has a fashion fit over this very reasonable idea, then I vote to drop it entirely, other than to say occasionally and with bemusement, “Your blue lips are showing through your cherry lip gloss, my dear.”

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