Fit for Love?
You’re planning the candle-lit meal, have thought about a present and are convinced that the most romantic day of the year – Valentine’s Day – will go to plan.
But those gestures will come to nothing unless you’re fit for love, and that means taking an emotional health check.
Whether you’re trying to woo a new date or wanting to spoil a partner it’s vital that your expectations are similar to those of your loved one and that you’re truly in tune with one another.
Relationship expert and Relate counsellor Denise Knowles believes one of the most common mistakes people make is to heap too much expectation on the Valentine’s event.
“It’s a lovely romantic day but it shouldn’t be regarded as the be all and end all,” she says.
“Romantic gestures needn’t be confined to one day as affectionate, loving actions throughout the year are key to a healthy relationship.
“Many men don’t realise that women operate on a points system – a bunch of roses on Valentine’s Day equals one point, but a single bloom every day for a month, even a flower from the garden, is a staggering 31 points. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to splash out if you can’t afford to because a hug, a compliment and doing something thoughtful each day will be just as appreciated.”
She advises that people should regularly give their relationships and their sex life an MoT.
“Just like a car, a relationship needs to be maintained and looked after otherwise it can start to develop lots of niggling faults and eventually break down.
“Couples who take the time and trouble to keep their partnerships healthy and fit will reap the benefits with a sexy, fulfilling love life.”
Follow our guide to getting fit for romance and wooing on Valentine’s Day.
Denise advises: “Be realistic about what you want from a new romance, and ask yourself what you want from a partner, what are your needs and what are your boundaries.
“Then take a mental check on the other person’s qualities and try to assess whether their strengths and weaknesses are compatible with your own. Really thinking that through will make you feel more secure and confident about what you need and expect, which is a much healthier way of approaching a relationship.”
All that passion and lust can leave you reeling, but bear in mind that it will be the “honeymoon” period of the relationship, which has a time limit. You will also need to focus on the person’s qualities and character to make sure he or she matches your needs for the longer term.
Denise says: “We all have a tendency to get bowled over by the feeling of first ‘love’, but don’t dash into a relationship just on the strength of that.
“He or she may have all the physical qualities that turn you on, but that’s not sufficient for a successful partnership.”
Also, she warns: “If you’ve just come out of a relationship and are heading for a new one, be especially careful. Taking ‘baggage’ and unresolved issues into a new romance won’t be fair on you or your new relationship and could impact and reduce its chances of survival. Try to analyse what went wrong, look at your own faults as well as the other person’s in the old partnership and try not to repeat a ‘dating’ pattern.”
Don’t assume just because you’re in an established relationship that you know exactly how to push those romance buttons.
Denise says: “It’s easy to take a partner for granted, and assume everything is ticking along fine, but you should always make sure that satisfaction is not one-sided.”
She suggests looking at when you last sat down and talked to one another about what you were feeling, your hopes or difficulties, and joys in your life.
“Many people assume that it’s sufficient to talk to each other about the routines of life, paying bills, looking after the house or concerns about the children.
“In fact, it’s actually vital to regularly tune into your partner’s feelings about things and allow him or her to know about yours. As time goes by, our tastes, opinions and attitude to life can change, maybe in a subtle way, or even dramatically, and a partner needs to be aware of that.
“You may be surprised what you learn. For instance, what you dismissed as your partner being grumpy could relate to a problem at work that he has not disclosed. Or you may find out the trivial, that he/she doesn’t like a certain food any more. Those superficial differences and changes can contribute to a distance growing between you, and that’s how misunderstandings and resentment can build.”
Her advice is that those conversations should be happening at least every few weeks as a brilliant way of keeping your relationship fit.
And if you’re not talking on that level?
She suggests: “Ask yourself why. It’s easy to blame a busy lifestyle, and maybe you do just need to make time for yourselves as a couple, but ensure that it’s not because one of you wants to avoid intimacy for some reason. Talking and listening to one another is an essential ingredient for a ‘fit for love’ relationship.”
Attitudes to sex can vary between the sexes, which often leads to misunderstandings within relationships. A recent study found that 60% of women believe kissing is more important and fulfilling than sex.
Denise says: “I wish I had pounds1 for every woman who has said, ‘I need to feel loved to make love’, while often a man will say, in puzzlement, ‘I show her I love her by making love to her’. In general, women need more of an emotional connection, whereas this may not be so high on the agenda for men.”
To keep a sex life healthy, she advises: “Making proper time for this side of your relationship is extremely important. Love and sexuality need to be nurtured. If little has been done about this over the rest of the year, Valentine’s Day can easily be a damp squib in the bedroom department. If that happens, it can lead to disappointment, resentment, and the whole cycle of neglect and confusion is set off again.
“Don’t get into the blame game. Maybe if there are problems, make Valentine’s Day a starting point for a new approach. Try to take the expectation and pressure off the occasion.
“As it falls on a weekday this year, and that means couples will have work or family commitments to fulfil the next morning, why not instead schedule a romantic evening for the weekend when you can both relax? Arrange for the kids to sleep-over with a friend or a relative so you can have the home to yourselves.”
Dawn Gay, relationship editor for online site ivillage.co.uk, says: “Don’t just go for the predictable roses and chocolates gesture. There are all sorts of ways to please someone, and they don’t have to cost a fortune.”
She suggests: “If you’re on a budget, give handmade ‘tokens’ that entitle them to treats over a month – for instance, a night out with their friends while you baby-sit; breakfast in bed every Saturday, or taking over a chore you know they dislike for a week.”
Showing imagination and spontaneity ensures you score highly in the romance stakes, says Dawn.
“Presenting your partner with a card containing rail or plane tickets for a surprise break away could be a hit. But do give your partner enough time to plan for it, especially if you have a family.”
Recall the romance of your early courtship.
“Text her on Valentine’s Day and ask her to meet you at the restaurant where you proposed (make sure you book) or the bar where you first met.”
Alternatively, hide tiny gifts in your home so she has to hunt for them.
Dawns says: “Those thoughtful, caring gestures will win hands down over a takeaway and a bunch of flowers.”
Other ideas include arranging a “blind date” with your partner – pretend to be strangers and “court” each other all over again – or taking a day to reminisce about the early days of your relationship, going through photos and recalling what first attracted you to each other.
You could also make a new memory – try out an activity which could add another dimension to your partnership and possibly give you a new interest or hobby you can enjoy together – for example, yoga, kite-surfing or a sport.
Finally, simply get an early night and cuddle close. Experts believe that close physical contact while you sleep helps raise your levels of the sex hormone, oxytoxin.
About 45% of UK Valentines are too tired for sex, according to research.
Studies by a supplement manufacturer found that snoozing took priority over seduction, while about 40% admitted they’re too worn out to cook and would pick up a takeaway rather than conjure a candle-lit meal.
Rita Stoffaneller, from Wassen Coenzyme Q10, said: “Research clearly shows that a lack of energy affects all areas of our lives, including relationships.
“Busy lifestyles mean we are more likely to be deficient in nutrients which boost our energy levels.”
Wassen’s Coenzyme Q10 with Vitamin E is formulated to boost energy levels. It costs pounds5.45 for 30 capsules and is available from Boots, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Holland & Barrett, independent pharmacies and health-food stores.
About 52% of men in their 40s have trouble maintaining an erection and it can occasionally affect younger men in their 20s and 30s, causing embarrassment and distress which may affect the health of their relationship, says Paula Hall, a leading sex and relationships psychotherapist.
“As with any age-related condition, there are various preventative measures men can employ to take control of their sexual health.
“Staying fit and eating healthily, building self-esteem and taking a daily supplement can all help to restore natural sexual spontaneity and reduce the stress associated with it.”
Those with concerns should visit their GP as the problem can be a symptom of certain conditions and there are treatments available.
Natural supplement Prelox contains a combination of L-Arginine, an amino acid associated with sexual arousal, and Pycnogenol, a pine- bark extract with circulation-boosting properties. It costs pounds29.75 for 60 tablets and is available from Harrods, Selfridges, GNC, Holland & Barrett and independent health-food stores.
Alternatively, Sage Healthy Man is a nutritional supplement containing Ginseng and Guarana, which claims to boost male sexual health and virility. It costs pounds9.99 for a month’s supply from Nutricentre – phone 020 7436 5122.
(c) 2008 Press and Journal, The Aberdeen (UK). Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.