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LIFE ETC: Out of Sight, Out of Mind ; You'Ve Lost Your True Love and Life Seems Unbearable, so What Do You Do? Well, You Could Try Hypnotherapy to Help You to Move On. Richard Bence Goes in Search of a Quick Fix for His Broken Heart

Posted on: Sunday, 17 April 2005, 15:00 CDT

After breaking up with Charlie two years ago, my life slowly spiralled out of control, sinking deeper and deeper into a depraved frenzy of drink, drugs and distraction. It got to the stage where not only was I losing all sense of dignity, habitually behaving in ways that were beneath me, but also weakening all sense of confidence in myself.

Breaking up is hard to do, but getting over a break-up can take over your life, as several celebrities have discovered recently " Jude Law and Sadie Frost, Les Dennis and Amanda Holden, and, of course, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. However, it's especially hard if it was you who instigated the break. Being stuck in a rut of regret is the biggest obstacle to moving on. Everything reminded me of him. It was the first love for both of us and that made it even harder. Augusten Burroughs describes it beautifully in his memoir, Dry: we were like 'two puppies that just met, curling up together and sleeping, then drinking out of the same water bowl'.

But an empty basket can be a very lonely place to be. So I drank, because alcohol gives a wonderful sense of immunity. Drunk on the dancefloor, I didn't need to think about what I had lost. Of course I never met anybody, because inside I was still hurting, so I danced with my head down, slipping away into my own little world. I complained that I never met anyone, but how could I when I crashed around in a drunken haze, not even registering the people around me?

But then I saw the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey as the couple who decide that they want to erase each other from their memories. It struck me that this might not be such a bad idea.

Anybody who has ever lagged behind in the getting-over-the-ex race (s/he seems to be getting on wonderfully thank you very much, while you are still crying into your cornflakes) may have tried all sorts of things in an effort to move on. Blind dates, speed dates, one-night stands; even taking yourself off the market and having a 'gap year' from relationships have all been tried and tested. I did all these and more. None worked because I had lost all confidence in myself. I wouldn't have gone out with me so why the hell should anyone else?

We all love (although can be wary of) a quick fix. Botox can rid us of years of excess in one prick, and cocaine can make you feel on top of the world in a sniff. This is why hypnotism appealed. I had had counselling in the past, which is great if you need to talk and unearth what it is that is making you unhappy, but I already knew the cause. In fact, one thing that I am is alarmingly lucid when it comes to me. Self-analysis and ownership of my shortcomings are not things I lack. What I needed was a tool kit to put me on the track to finding some sort of peace and perspective.

Hypnosis had always seemed like a bit of a joke to me from watching buffoons on television making fools of themselves under the spell of some 'celebrity' hypnotherapist. Actually, the ancient practice is a way of enhancing control, not losing it. 'Hypnosis is a form of highly focused attention,' says Dr David Spiegel. He is professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine, and a leading expert in the field. Hypnosis enables people to alter the way they perceive reality.

It seems that, to benefit from hypnotherapy, it isn't necessary to be in deep trance. What is necessary, though, is the patient's desire to drop old patterns. In other words, you have really got to want to give him or her up. Which must raise some questions about its scientific basis. Nonetheless, I decided, it was worth a go.

I have seen two hypnotherapists, and I have learnt that the most important factor in any form of therapy is trust and rapport. The first therapist I saw, Tim Martin, was based on Harley Street which, I thought, added weight to his credentials (this is ridiculous of course; location matters not a jot). I found that because my relationship was a gay one, and the therapist clearly wasn't, there were moments when I sensed a certain hesitation. Contrary to what one might think, my talking was a major part of the process " it wasn't all about me being put under the spell of the doctor's soothing voice.

Tim favoured a form of therapy called NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) which can move people on very quickly. It works by changing the mind set, shifting the goal posts. So Tim would give me little catchphrases, such as 'what the thinker thinks the prover proves' " linguistic tools to overcome my limiting beliefs about myself.

To some extent this worked, but it was by visiting a second therapist, Anna Zimmerman, that real results began to show. Anna differed in that I felt she was someone who understood me from the word go. She listened to me bang on about all my woes and very quickly I sank into a warm sense of relaxation in her company. I was unafraid of saying exactly what frightened me about myself and the addictive bad habits that were destroying me.

During a typical session, Anna would first ask me about my week. Then, for the next hour I would talk about the ups and downs, and how I was feeling about Charlie. This allowed her to understand me better and thereby enable her to help me. I was then guided into a state of hypnosis by being asked to imagine myself in a safe and secure place. She would lull me into a sleepy state by focusing on relaxing my body, from my feet up, then on slowing my breathing. Then she would say, softly, 'It's really just about you letting go of fears and pain and bad memories and hurt and neediness.'

Eventually, I became so relaxed that when she started to count down, from 10 to one, I would drift off into trance. Once in a state of hypnosis, she would make specific affirmations that were designed to build my self-confidence and belief in myself.

It became clear early on that my inability to move on was more to do with me than with Charlie. Actually, it isn't about the ex at all. The ex is just someone we project our fantasies on; a blank canvas on to which we project our own issues within ourselves. We are ultimately selfish beings, and Charlie had become a cipher for everything I needed to work on in myself.

While I was still in a trance, Anna would then continue: 'In weeks to come, when you walk into a room full of people, you will no longer find the situation unnerving. What you will do is, you will stand there and you will breathe in the atmosphere and calmly take stock of what you see. You will feel very calm. And as you meet each new person, you will experience yourself regarding them very serenely, coming from a position of being very centred, not needing to hold your breath for attention and allowing yourself just to stand still and be. Just exist. And it will be easy for you, as it will allow you to be more interested in the people you meet " interested in who they are as people.'

She would then wake me with an increasingly loud voice, counting up to 10 again.

Hypnotherapy is ultimately just a tool; it will only be as effective as you want it to be. And because hypnosis bypasses the conscious mind's habits by putting you into a trance, it is often quicker than other forms of therapy. In fact hypnosis can also accelerate and magnify the benefits of psychotherapy, so the two are by no means mutually exclusive.

However, you will never get over your ex until you decide that you want to. Simple in theory, perhaps, but in practice very hard to achieve. Hypnotherapy helped me to control my habit of idealising Charlie and pining for him. Anna made me see that I had become so attached to my own unhappiness and the beauty in the wistfulness, that I actually found some form of tortuous enjoyment in thinking about Charlie and the associations that I had attached to him. We have the choice to decide what we associate with different people, and hypnotherapy can help break that bad habit in your brain.

Recently, I met someone new. I have no idea if it will go anywhere, and I'm sure that the blossom on the trees and the longer evenings are playing a part, but I can genuinely say that I feel lighter, more optimistic and hopeful that there may be someone else out there for me. And if there isn't, well, I believe I will be just fine. Have I had a sort of mini brainwash? Possibly. I'm not even sure I will ever not miss Charlie, but I think I have learnt to live without him. n

For further information about Tim Martin, who focuses on NLP, hypnotherapy and life coaching, call 0800 458 2499 or visit www.altogether-mbs.co.uk. For further information about Anna Zimmerman, who concentrates on astrological counselling and hypnotherapy, call 07980 212 501 or e-mail annahypnotherapist@hotmail.com

Other ways to forget the ex

Counselling No one likes a whinger, so tell it to a paid stranger.

Pampering Pay for the pleasure of being felt up " by a masseur. No price can be put on the power of a pair of healing hands.

Moving Sydney is highly recommended, or somewhere similar. When beauty is on your doorstep, everything seems OK. Plus you lessen your chances of bumping into the ex.

Taking up a hobby

Boxing, painting " you name it, they all help to broaden your horizons.

Time Give yourself a break. We're all fallible, and sensitive. But, in time, you'll get over it.

Source: Independent on Sunday, The

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