Caregivers Deserve Thanks

By Scott B. Carpenter

“I’LL lean on you and you lean on me and we’ll be okay …”

When we think of healthy relationships, this phrase from a Dave Matthews Band number pretty well sums it up, right?

Phrases like: “Friendship is a two-way street,”"Friendship is a little give and take,”"You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” also come to mind.

But what happens when the other person can’t scratch your back? When the other party is only capable of taking and not giving, but there you are by their side, night and day, tending to their every need, answering their every beck and call. No. This isn’t some sad story of co-dependency. It is actually a very healthy and desirable situation where one human being serves another human being who is not able to care for their own needs. We have now come to call this arrangement caregiving.

About nine months ago my wife and I joined the small but growing number of caregivers around the country: those who become guardians over a loved one who, for whatever reason, has become incapable of living on their own and, in many cases, would pose a danger to themselves if left alone.

As the years took a toll on his mind and body, my wife’s father found himself in that category and, unbeknown to us, was placed in a nursing home.

We had the added burden of fighting through the court system to gain the right to bring him home with us and to care for him there.

You see, we had promised him several years ago that he would be welcomed into our home if he ever grew “too old” to care for himself. He feared being placed in a nursing care facility but was at a loss to know how to keep that from happening. We weren’t sure of all the ramifications, but we knew that by God’s grace we would care for our parents at home. I understand that with busy lifestyles and with financial demands, this arrangement isn’t always an option for many.

But for us, we were both willing to work through the obstacles. We are aware that we have it pretty good, as caregiving goes. Okay, we were a bit na ve in the beginning and thought we could “fit” him into our schedule. We soon found that we had to adjust to his. But even though he’s pretty well bedridden and can’t utilize the facilities, he graciously assists us the best he can when he is coherent enough.

He is a kind and gentle man, even when he can’t remember our names or where he is most times. Occasionally, he becomes a little more alert and wants to know “everything” about his working past and his present care.

In these rare moments of clarity, he has thanked us. He won’t remember that he thanked us after his next nap, but he thanked us. I feel just a bit guilty. I know that many of my fellow caregivers will never hear such words of gratitude.

And unfortunately, because of the ravaging of age and disease upon the mind, they may even hear hurtful words from the mouths of those they have committed to serve. Or perhaps they will never hear any words at all.

Day by day, they go about their serving in lonely silence. It is to these selfless heroes I say, “thank you.” Not that you need it. You know why you do what you do; that is enough.

“For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink; I was a stranger, and ye took me in …

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Matthew 25:35; 40)

I have found searching the words of Jesus to be very encouraging in my times of discouragement. When others won’t remember, he will never forget. When giving care to another, we are giving care to our Lord, and he is, indeed, a friend we can lean on.

Now, I understand you may need a “friend with some skin on” right now. I’m sure you get tired. Please find what I call “a caregiver for hire” to come in and give you a bit of a break. Take a nap. Or go out and spoil yourself, if only for a couple of hours. It’s OK. They’ll be fine, and you deserve it. You need to be careful that you don’t neglect yourself.

So take care of your health. Eat more fruits and vegetables, and exercise a little each day. This will clear your mind and give you a more positive outlook on things.

I’m not meaning to preach. I just want you to know that there’s a friend who understands that caregiver burnout is just around the next corner. So keep going straight ahead, lean on me for this moment, and we’ll be OK.

Carpenter, of St. Albans, is the founder and director of Family Renewal Ministry, Inc.

(c) 2008 Sunday Gazette – Mail; Charleston, W.V.. Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.