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Love Match or Double Trouble? Different Rules Apply When Playing a Sport With Your Spouse

Posted on: Tuesday, 16 August 2005, 21:00 CDT

Grace Baraniak of Mount Prospect fell in love with her husband before she fell in love with tennis. After watching him on the court, she decided to take up the game.

Unfortunately, the romance didn't carry over to his advice on her backhand. Her lessons with Wally lasted exactly two sessions before he declared her "unteachable."

"After the second lesson I said I'd had enough," she said. "I threw my racket on the ground and walked away and said I'm not going to speak to you. But that only lasted a few minutes because we only had one car to go home."

Grace eventually married Wally. And she got her own tennis coach.

So can marriage and sport coexist? Yes - and with big benefits - provided you stick to a few ground rules.

Nix the competition

Downers Grove native Nicole DeBoom met her future husband on a plane en route to a triathlon. By then Tim DeBoom had already turned pro, while Nicole was in her first season as an amateur.

They soon began dating.

"Whenever we could spend time together, a lot of time I wanted to be working out," Nicole DeBoom said. "We would just plan to go for a bike ride together, or go for a swim together."

There was one problem: Tim was a lot faster than Nicole. She wasn't exactly a slouch athletically; a few of her swimming records still stand at Downers Grove South High School (under her maiden name, Molzahn).

But Tim was in a different league, one that would eventually take him to consecutive first-place finishes at the Ironman in Hawaii. Out on training runs he could easily leave Nicole far, far behind.

So the couple shifted focus. When they worked out together, the goal was just that - doing something together.

"We look at each other as buddies out there," Tim DeBoom said. "The biggest thing for us is to not try to be competitive with each other."

They planned their bike rides to coincide with Tim's light training days and Nicole's tough ones. In the pool, Nicole, a former swim coach, took the lead. When Nicole was training for her first marathon, Tim slowed his pace to help her through long runs.

Training with her husband paid off; Nicole DeBoom eventually turned pro, too, and this year won the national long-course championship in Auburn, Calif. Tim DeBoom said he benefited from his wife's advice to take it easy once in a while, giving his body more time to recover from tough workouts.

"I wouldn't have won the world championship twice without her," he said. "She definitely helped me settle down a little bit."

Both are now members of the Tri-Dubai Professional Triathlon Team, a collection of 10 of the world's best triathletes.

"Tim is a huge reason that I have come as far as I have," Nicole DeBoom said. "Just to sit on his wheel was making me a better rider."

Psychologists say a little competition isn't necessarily a terrible thing, as long as the couple can leave it behind when the game ends. But couples who support and encourage each other instead can reap the benefits in their sport, and in their marriage.

"Where there's competition, there can be some imbalance," said Laura Bokar, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Naperville. "You're always going to try to one-up a person, instead of loving them, encouraging them. It should be a team effort. If they're a team, it's a blessing to the relationship."

Cut the coaching

As a former tennis pro, Jacek Grob of Hoffman Estates can easily spot ways his wife could improve her game.

"The problem is she's not very receptive to taking too much advice," Grob said with a chuckle. "I would get immensely frustrated because she gets professional advice at no charge, and she doesn't care for it."

After a long time, Grob decided to quit offering advice unless his wife, Gigi, asked for it. He still teaches his two sons, but also sends them to tennis camps and lessons with other coaches.

No matter how expert your advice, family members don't necessarily respect you the same way they would an unrelated professional, Grob said.

Family dynamics get in the way.

"If you're the husband trying to teach your wife how to have a better tennis stroke, it's hard to separate that from the spat this morning about who is going to do the dishes," said Cliff Saper, a clinical psychologist and director of outpatient programs at Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in Hoffman Estates.

"It's a lot easier to accept criticism from a coach rather than someone who loves you," Saper said. "In your head, you think, 'Oh my gosh, he's criticizing my tennis stroke, maybe he's also criticizing me as a wife.' "

The other problem, Saper says, is people just don't like to get advice.

"If you must give your spouse a few pointers, the key is to do it in an empathic, understanding way. You have to make it come across as if it's coming from them," Saper said. "Ask, how do you feel about your swing, is there anything you want to do differently?"

Too much advice can sometimes make things worse. Grace Baraniak quit playing doubles tennis with her husband for four years after constant suggestions on the court.

"I was always in the wrong spot and doing the wrong thing," she said. "After a couple of times like this, we decided it wasn't worth the frustration and quit playing together."

Eventually, the Baraniaks met again on the court and now play in mixed doubles tournaments. Grace has improved her game, and Wally has quieted the comments.

"I think he learned the less he talks to me, the better I play because I concentrate better," she said. "I think tennis has brought us a better understanding and communication."

Define your goal

Sometimes the source of conflict is just that spouses want different things from the workout. One wants to run a marathon; the other just wants to stop getting winded on the walk to the train station. Or one wants to win at all costs, while the other just wants to spend quality time with the spouse. Defining the goal at the outset can ease the tension.

"Sometimes I have to focus my husband on that - are we here to have fun, to exercise or to win?" said Gigi Grob.

For his part, Jacek Grob took his wife's desire for fun as a challenge in itself. He noticed she enjoyed herself more when he backed off a bit.

"I really had to be more vigilant that when we're out there, win or lose, we were having fun," he said. "That means I would let go of bad calls, that I would make a joke. Sometimes the real challenge is not only do I have to win, I have to make it fun."

Sharing a passion for tennis has strengthened their marriage, the Grobs say.

But not every couple wants to work out together. Bokar, the Naperville therapist, said she and her husband prefer to go their separate ways when they arrive at the gym.

"He needs his time, I need my time," she said. "We love being in the same space together, but not having to worry about the other during that time."

The simultaneous-but-separate workout approach works well when spouses have different training goals.

Nicole Mills of Naperville runs marathons, and aims to run one in every state. (She expects to complete No. 43 this year). She wants to log miles in training runs, while her triathlete husband, Jason, needs interval training to improve his speed.

Often they'll start their workout together, then each go their own way. When they do time their runs together, the benefits go beyond aerobic capacity.

"You can go out and its different than spending time in front of the TV or going out to dinner," Jason Mills said. "You're doing something that challenges you physically, and I think it brings out a lot of mental discussions and things you wouldn't normally talk about on a day-to-day basis."

The spouses say their different approaches to training can complement each other. Nicole describes herself as "type A," while Jason is more laid back.

"He can help mellow me out when I need that, and I can help light a fire when he needs that," she said.

Staci Foss of Palatine would be tempted to sleep in if she didn't have a built-in running partner in her husband, Brian. The two met after each joined the Alpine Runners club.

"The fact we've worked it into our lifestyle makes a big difference," she said. "We get up on Saturday morning and we already have the running clothes out. He makes me my sport drink while I'm changing the kid's diaper."

Michelle Gallagher of Arlington Heights sees the same benefit in her regular runs with her husband, Ted. Having a training partner makes the workouts pass more quickly, but the mutual interest has also strengthened their marriage, she said.

"When you have kids, you don't get a lot of time alone to discuss things," she said. "We have our best talks when we're out running together."

Source: Daily Herald; Arlington Heights, Ill.

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