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Pay Attention to 'Resilience' ...It's More Than Just Overcoming Life's Obstacles

Posted on: Saturday, 15 October 2005, 03:00 CDT

By Brooks, Robert; Goldstein, Sam

"It's true! You made our family reunion happen-and we love you for it."

Why do some individuals achieve success that could never have been predicted from their life circumstances? What is the inner strength that propels some people to overcome mighty obstacles in their path?

Although most people are used to hearing the word resilient applied to individuals who have overcome stress and hardship, we believe it's a concept that should be expanded to become a primary focus of each person's life, whether or not that person has experienced great adversity. All of us encounter some degree of stress and challenge in everyday life-and no one can predict which of us will, at some point, face unimagined adversity.

Resilient individuals have a certain mindset about themselves and others, based on their unique temperament combined with their particular life experiences. Being resilient, however, does not imply freedom from stress, pressure or conflict-nor that victims of a catastrophe such as Hurricane Katrina should be expected to cope on their own without help from others. Here are some of the features of a resilient mindset:

Feeling in control of one's life

Knowing how to fortify one's stress-hardiness

Being empathie

Displaying effective communication and other interpersonal capabilities

Possessing solid problem-solving and decision-making skills

Establishing realistic goals and expectations

Learning from both success and failure

Being a compassionate and contributing member of society

Living a responsible life based on a set of thoughtful values

Feeling special (not self-centered) while helping others to feel the same

Obstacles to a resilient mindset

Have you found yourself engaging in the same behavior repeatedly with negative results? If the answer is yes, you're not alone. Many well-meaning, intelligent people often resort to repeating self- defeating behavior in their personal and professional lives. Often, they're not aware that they are trapped in a negative script even if it is obvious to their friends, colleagues and relatives.

Well-intentioned individuals experience a high level of stress and unhappiness because they wait for someone else to change or they focus on a situation beyond their control. "If only my kids (or wife, or coworker) would do...." Taking ownership of our own behavior-and becoming more resilient-requires us to recognize that we are the authors of our lives. We should not seek our happiness by asking someone else to change, but instead should ask: "What can I do differently to change the situation?" Assuming personal control and responsibility is a fundamental underpinning of a resilient mindset.

The power of resilience

Let us examine some of the keys to acquiring a resilient mindset:

* Re-writing your negative scripts

The word "courage" captures the honesty, energy and anxiety involved in the process of acknowledging and changing particular patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that have proved counterproductive. To start a change process, you need to identify the negative scripts you are following. Then define the short- and long-term goals for the change you want to accomplish. The more precise you are in defining these goals, the better equipped you will be to write new scripts that will help you reach them. For any new script you try, anticipate how other people might respond to your "new" behavior-especially if they try to get you back to your "old" scripts. Identify potential obstacles and how they could be managed, then ask yourself: "How will I know if my new script is successful?"

* Becoming "stress hardy" rather than stressed out

The first component of a stress-hardy mindset, according to psychologist Dr. Suzanne Kobasa, is commitment. When commitment is present, we possess a sense of purpose that tells us why we are doing what we are doing. It is not confined to a single area, but is evident in our personal relationships, in our work, in the charitable causes we adopt and in our religious practices. It is impossible to lead a resilient life devoid of purpose.

Lindsay's dose connection with her grandmother makes them both more resilient.

The second component is challenge. Not surprisingly, stress- hardy individuals are those who perceive difficult situations as challenges from which to learn rather than opportunities to feel defeated.

The third component of stress hardiness is personal control. People are less stressed and have fewer emotional and health problems when they devote their time and energy to managing situations over which they have some control or influence.

* Viewing life through others' eyes

Resilient individuals have more satisfying relationships. A cornerstone of such relationships is the capacity to be empathie. Empathie people possess an accurate sense of how they are perceived by others because they can imagine themselves in another person's shoes. If they believe their behaviors are prompting other people to see them in ways they do not wish to be perceived, they make the necessary changes so their actions are in concert with their values.

Empathie people ask themselves: Am I saying or doing things in a way that others will be most willing to listen and respond tot Am I treating others as I would like to be treated? Empathy does not imply agreement but simply that you appreciate and validate the other person's point of view-and it's a lot easier to be empathie toward people whose ideas agree with our own and who are cooperative and helpful. Empathy is much more difficult when we are upset, angry, annoyed or disappointed with others.

* Communicating effectively

This is an integral component of resilience and is closely linked to empathy. Effective communication includes (a) an appreciation of how our verbal and nonverbal messages are perceived and (b) a capacity for active listening. When we listen actively, we attempt to understand and validate what other people are communicating. Validation does not suggest agreement, but rather understanding without belittling. Communication is an essential part of our lives. It is a window to our inner world and a conduit for our relationship with others. The more effectively we learn to convey our feelings, thoughts and beliefs verbally and nonverbally, the more successful and resilient we will be.

-Adapted from the authors' book The Power of Resilience (McGraw- Hill, 2003). see We Recommend on page 8.

By Robert Brooks, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.

Copyright Work and Family Life Oct 2005

Source: Work & Family Life

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