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Telling Kids Can Be Hardest Part: Program Helps Patients Share News of Cancer

Posted on: Sunday, 19 February 2006, 03:03 CST

By James E. Causey, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Feb. 19--When Andrea Proite was diagnosed with melanoma five years ago, the hardest thing she had to do was discuss the matter with her four children.

"I think it made me very vulnerable because I became powerless," she said. "I had very little control over the disease, and that's not a very good position for a parent to be in."

Her situation became more stressful because there were few support groups around such as Gilda's Club to help inform her on how to discuss her condition with her family.

Proite's skin cancer was caught early, but she will have to be checked her dermatologist every six months to see if it returns.

"It's something that I will have to do the rest of my life," she said.

When the small tumor on her leg was removed, Proite knew that there was a possibility that it could be cancerous.

"I was prepared for the worst, but you never really know how it will change your life," she said.

She informed her four children of the biopsy, but she didn't know how to tell them about the cancer.

"It's a delicate situation," she said. "I told each of them individually, because they were not all home at the same time and I had to figure out how much information to give each of them," said Proite, who volunteers weekly at Gilda's Club, a support group for people dealing with cancer.

She first broke the news to her oldest child. Joey, who was 20 at the time, was home for summer break from the University of Wisconsin-Parkside.

Joey was never one to wear his emotions on his sleeve, and Proite still remembers his face when she told him that she had the deadliest form of skin cancer.

"To this day I can still picture his jaw dropping. That was still one of the hardest things that I had to do," she said.

Informing her other children sent the homemaker, now 46, on an emotional rollercoaster.

Her son Nick appeared very optimistic that his mother would bounce back to full health, while her daughter Allison was uncomfortable knowing about her mother's treatments.

Meanwhile, her youngest child, Molly, asked a lot of questions and wondered why her mother did not have to undergo chemotherapy.

A friend of Molly's had lost her mother to breast cancer a year earlier, so Molly wanted to be informed on everything, from the hospital visits to her treatments.

"I just wanted to keep them abreast of everything, but it was mostly through trial and error," Proite said.

On Wednesday, St. Joseph Regional Medical Center will offer a supporting arm to help people with cancer take the guesswork out of talking with their children about the disease.

The program, "How to Talk to Your Children and Grandchildren About Your Cancer," will be led KristenNelsen, program manager at Gilda's Club and a licensed clinical social worker.

Nelsen said that when talking to children about cancer, it's important for the parent to remember that each child is an individual.

"They don't know how to deal with it, and you want to be open with them and let them know that you love them," Nelsen said.

During her discussion, Nelsen will also discuss the non-verbal cues that children give when facing tough situations.

Communication is the key and, because of that increased connection, cancer can often make families closer, she said.

"I try to look for the positives," Nelsen said. "It's important to know that each child may express themselves in different ways . . . just listen to them and let them know that you love them."

Paul Markovina, director of marketing for Covenant Cancer Care, said Wednesday's program is "complete" in that "we don't just treat the cancer, but we treat everybody who is affected it."

"Most people focus on the individual who has the cancer," Markovina said. "But we think about the spouse, children and grandchildren and how they are all affected."

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Source: The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

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