Married? No, We’Ve Been Happily Co-Rabbiting for Years ; or Why Jade ‘Esca[E Goat’ Goody Isn’t the Only Word-Mangling Master of the Malapropism

IT IS unfair to say, as so many do, that Jade Goody, the nation’s best-known blockhead, has no talent. With her complaint of being treated as ‘an escape goat’ in the Big Brother house, not to mention her references to a British region called ‘East Angular’ and her belief that the Mona Lisa was painted by ‘Pistachio’, Jade is a malapropist of Olympic class.

This most cherishable human trait owes its name to a character created by 18thcentury dramatist Sheridan. Society lady Mrs Malaprop – from the French ‘mal a propos’ (badly to the point) – makes repeated linguistic gaffes: describing someone as the ‘pineapple’ (i.e. pinnacle) of politeness and lamenting that her niece is ‘as headstrong as an allegory (alligator) on the banks of the Nile’.As Jade shows, malapropists are still with us.

Their daily verbal collisions create surreal imagery, provide dashes of unintended smut – and often tell more truth than they know.Here, PHILIP NORMAN gives his favourite real examples, which he’s been collecting for years and plans to turn into a book…

FOOD

Desecrated coconut; Canine (Cayenne) pepper; Exasperated (Evaporated) milk; Ogre beans (aubergines); Spies and bailiffs (spices and bay leaves); Peanut bristle (brittle); Smokey bunion (bacon) crisps; Fruit compost (compote); Camel only (cannelloni). One cook described how carefully she ground up her spices with ‘a pedestal (pestle) and mortar’, while another attributed the full flavour of a stew to its having simmered for days in ‘an antique camisole’ (casserole).

Enticing malaprop dishes on menus throughout the world: ‘Stuffed nun’ (Naan) – Indian restaurant, London.

‘Smoked solomon’ – Intercontinental, Jakarta.

‘Turdy delight’ (Turkish delight) – Seafront restaurant, Eilat, Israel.

‘Quick Lorraine’ – pub in Ebury Street, London.

‘Steamed dick with vegetables’ – Chinese restaurant, Gerrard St, Soho, London.

‘Roast headlamp’ (head of lamb) – Taverna in Patmos, Greece.

‘Boiled god in parsley’ – pub in Covent Garden.

‘Hardboiled egg filled with a delicate curried mouse’ (mousse) – country house hotel, Cotswolds.

‘Fried Brian’ – Plat du jour, Geneva.

MALAPROPISMS OF THE MIGHTY

AMERICAN President Ronald Reagan welcomed Princess Diana to the U.S. as ‘Princess David’ and greeted Liberia’s President Samuel Doe as ‘ Chairman Moe’. One of his speeches contained the biblical quotation ‘Samson slew the Philistines’ but he read it out as: ‘Simpson slew the Philippines.’ President George W. Bush: ‘I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself but for predecessors as well.’ ‘We cannot have terrorists and rogue nations holding this country hostile (hostage).’ ‘It will take time to restore chaos and order.’ American movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn, told that there were not enough Red Indians in a Western film, commanded: ‘Get some more from the reservoir’ (reservation).

When subordinates hailed a new production as magnificent, he snapped: ‘It’s more than magnificent – it’s mediocre.’ Former heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson feared he might ‘fade into Bolivian’ (oblivion).

SEX

A MIDLANDS social worker told colleagues there was no reason for him and his girlfriend to get married because they had been ‘happily corabbiting for years.’ A young London woman, keen for her boyfriend to practise birth control, urged him to wear ‘a condominium’.

INSULTS

When malapropists lose their temper, the imagery can be mind- boggling. ‘Well, of all the unmedicated gall . . .’ ‘You nincompimp!’ ‘You’re behaving like a complete cyclepath’ (psychopath) ‘What are you incinerating?’ (insinuating) ‘Ha! Hoist by your own leotard!’ (petard) ‘What a load of bladderdash!’

‘Well, that’s really put the cap on the pigeon!’ (cat among the pigeons)

RELIGION

A RICH field for malapropists since the famous 19th-century cleric Dr Spooner spoke of ‘the peace of cod that passeth all understanding’ and turned ‘the Loving Shepherd’ into ‘the shoving leopard’. A devout Catholic in fierce theological debate with some Anglican friends produced the clinching argument: ‘Ah, but what you must remember is that the Pope is inflammable’ (infallible).

A churchwarden’s wife in the West Midlands described how much trouble had been caused in a local house by a poltergeist until a priest was called in to ‘circumcise’ ( exorcise) it.

During the 1984 pit strike, a London vicar asked his flock to pray for peace ‘in the minefields’. He meant coalfields.

The main speaker at a recent Anglican seminar told his audience of his belief that ‘between Man and God has been placed a vast abbess’ (abyss).

A West Country parish magazine noted thankfully that the vicar was ‘recovering well from his unpleasant disposition’.

An elderly worshipper complained that he was finding it hard to hear sermons, even from the front pew, saying: ‘You’ll have to come up to date and have microphones, vicar. The agnostics (acoustics) in this church are very poor.’

TRAVEL

AN area of life that brings out the best in malapropists – whether in Spain and Italy, where people visit the many shrines to ‘St Mary Mandolin’ (Magdalene); in Switzerland photographing picturesque Alpine ‘shillelaghs’ (chalets); or admiring the colourful ‘safaris’ (saris) worn by women in India and Sri Lanka.

One bather in the South of France said a jellyfish swam up and wrapped its ‘testicles’ (tentacles) around her.Another, recently returned from Bali, described beautiful sunsets containing ‘all the colours of the rectum’ (spectrum).

PHILOSOPHICAL GEMS

A woman’s place is in a home.Life isn’t all beer and kittens (skittles). You can’t make an omelette without frying eggs.

We pass like chips in the night. No man is in Ireland (an island). I’m just a prawn (pawn) in the game.

PETS GARDENING

MALAPROPISTS tend to have interesting dogs – like the ‘ Cockerel Spaniel’, the ‘Irish Settler’, the ‘Great Dame’, the sausage-shaped ‘Datsun’ and the longhaired ‘Shitzy-Witzy’.

Their gardens, too, can be unusual, what with the enthusiastic cultivation of ‘spitoonias’ (petuniasenemas’ (anenomes) and ‘Christian anthems’ ( chrysanthemums), though there are fears that the 1950s scourge the ‘Corduroy’ (Colorado) beetle may make a comeback.

A postman paused on his rounds to admire the clematis that a householder had growing at her front door, and told her: ‘I really like the way you’ve trained your clitoris around that trellis.’

MEDICINE

NOTHING inspires malapropists so much as their own health.

‘My doctor says I’ve got a cute vagina’ (acute angina).

‘She’s got to have her aviaries (ovaries) removed.’ ‘It’s natural when you’re going through the mental pause’ (menopause).

‘Unfortunately we can’t have children. My wife is inconceivable’ (infertile).’I'm going in soon for my hysterical rectum’ ( hysterectomy).’Since his operation, he’s been impudent’ ( impotent).’She’s much too obeast’ (obese).’I volunteered to be a blood doughnut’ (donor).’You can get incredible pain-relief from Acapulco’ (acupuncture). A young mother in London said she had just attended a clinic to have her newborn baby ‘ humanised’ (immunised). A Yorkshire woman reported that her sister in a private hospital ward was receiving ‘RIP treatment’.

American society hostess Laura Corrigan consulted her doctor about indigestion. His advice, she told friends, was ‘Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate ‘ (He meant her to chew her food more: ‘ Masticate, masticate, masticate’)

CHILDREN

A ten-year-old in Brighton came home and said he’d been taught about St Paul’s conversion on the road to Domestos (Damascus).

A primary school class was convinced that the chorus to Onward Christian soldiers goes ‘Christ, the Royal Master, leans against the phone’ (leads against the foe).

A Portsmouth boy used to pray for years to ‘Our Father who art in Havant’ (Heaven).

A four-year-old boy from Gateshead told friends that a man had been to his house to fit the doors and windows with ‘ giraffeexcluders’ (draught excluders).

EXAM ANSWERS

The British task force to the Falklands was led by HMS Herpes.

The three ways of transmitting heat are conduction, convection and constipation (radiation).Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock (hemlock).

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot. Samson felled a thousand foreskins (Philistines).Pompeii was destroyed by a flood of red-hot saliva (lava).

The Equator is a menagerie lion (imaginary line) running around the earth.Salome did the Dance Of The Seven Veils in front of Harrods (Herod).

Having only one wife is called ‘monotony’ (monogamy).

HAVE you encountered any wonderful word-manglings? Write to Malapropisms, Readers Letters, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street London W8 5TT or email letters@dailymail.co.uk

(c) 2007 Daily Mail; London (UK). Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.