July 27, 2008
Alert! The Aliens Have Landed
By LORNE JACKSON
ARGHH! The aliens have landed! The aliens have landed!
Hopefully they'll only nab the really useless earthlings, and whisk them back to the milky-green moon of Zorg.
Which means every doctor, nurse and firemen will have to vacate the planet.
While all the manicurists, interpretive dancers and newspaper columnists can stay right here, continuing to perform their essential duties.
Maybe you think I'm being paranoid about the arrival of ET.
Not at all. An authoritative source claimed last week that little green men are already amongst us.
Edgar Mitchell - a respected astronaut who landed on the moon in Apollo 14, back in 1971 - has stated that the UFO phenomenon is real.
And that NASA have briefed him on it. Of course, there are a few problems with his story.
For a start, NASA have rubbished the claims. And, of course, Edgar is 77 years old.
When my Great Uncle Frank reached that precarious age, he also arrived at a few 'controversial' theories of his own.
Namely that his slippers were sentient beings, called Ralph and Hugh, and that they discussed the Ten O' Clock News with him every night.
So is Edgar a drooling space-case, like Great Uncle Frank, or a soundly sane former spaceman?
I certainly think we should take him seriously. In fact, I've spotted a few of those aliens myself
THE DARLING DROID
At first glance, it may look almost human.
But take a second look at the Darling Droid's dead-eye stare.
Clearly there's not a trace of humanoid intelligence behind those peepers.
Everything is worked by buzzing microcomputers, secreted inside the fuzzy eyebrows.
In fact, the Darling Droid is operated by remote-control; programmed by a cold and clinical alien creature, who lurks behind the door of Number 10 Downing Street.
Gargoyldon Brown-or the Prime Monster-makes sure that his Darling Droid does his bidding at every turn. Together, they will enslave the human race.
And they won't even have to use their high-powered hypnoguns.
Instead, they will bust our bank accounts...
then break our spirits.
THE BOOSTER-DRIVEN BEEHIVE FROM THE PLANET WINEHOUSE
It may look like a diminutive junky pop star. But in reality, the Booster driven Beehive from planet Wine house is a malfunctioning spaceship.
Tiny alien creatures live inside the spaceship's living quarters, which, to human eyes, looks just like a dirty beehive wig.
Unfortunately, when this particular spaceship crash-landed in Camden, it began to seriously malfunction.
Hopes that it would rocket back into the stratosphere to take its place amongst a host of other bright stars are fading fast.
Now the shaky wreckage looks likely to end up on the scrap heap, with all the other battered old Starship Enterprises and Tardises.
THE CYBERNALDO RONALDALEK
A mighty alien warrior in his prime, the Cybernaldo Ronaldalek is as awe inspiring as any Klingon or Sontaran.
And his fearsome feet are more deadly than any space-age weaponry you can imagine.
But the owner of such titanic tootsies also has an Achilles heel packed inside those size ten boots.
He isn't exactly a little green man, However, he is a man who loves a little green - as in cold, hard cash.
To get rid of the Ronaldalek, all we need do is re a rocket, loaded with thousand pound notes, into the molten core of the sun. It may be a trie warm in there, but nothing will prevent Ronaldalek from chasing after those big bucks. Besides, when he's not showing off the power of his feet, there's nothing he likes more than topping-up his slimy sun tan.
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