E-Mails Have It Wrong

By AMY GILLIGAN

When I saw the e-mail titled “what women really want,” of course I clicked on it.

This could be great news. Finally, someone is sending directly to me what women really want. I could hardly wait to see which of the “most wanted” items it would be.

It could be a really good bra that doesn’t look like the ones your mother wore. It could be a remote control vacuum cleaner. Or permission to drink margaritas at work on particularly bad days. Or 15 minutes of silence. Maybe a nap. Those are some of the things women really want.

Turns out, that wasn’t what it was at all.

In fact, about two-thirds of the junk e-mail I killed without reading this morning was related to “what women really want” – and I have a filter that is supposed to keep out gutter litter. I don’t know who is sending all these e-mails about what women supposedly want, but I can tell you, they are sadly mistaken.

This subject is, of course, a little touchy … um, poor choice of words … a little risque for a family newspaper, so I have to tread carefully here. But you know what I am talking about. Everybody seems to be getting these

e-mails. They have very little to do with women at all. They are directly related to, um, maleness.

I have to wonder, does anybody really believe these products are the life-changing panaceas described? And even if you were interested in such a product, do you really want information like that e-mailed to work?

So whose job is it to write these things? In the name of research, I actually read a few, and they are truly awful. And the authors were not hired for their spelling or grammar skills, I’ll tell you that much. (I realize I may be the only person to read one of these e-mails and think, “Now how could anyone diagram that sentence?” But I can’t help it.) “Hey Mom, I got a new job. I send graphic spam about male anatomy under various fake names to people who have no interest in it.” What an achievement.

And how is it that these of all e-mails seem to elude the spam filter? My spam filter is all over stopping sales notices from the Gap, and God forbid I actually receive the e-mail about a new line of low-fat potato chips. No, those the spam filter whisks away from eyes. But male enhancement drugs? Those I manage to get plenty of.

As far as the claim that this product is “what women really want” – don’t buy it. I can tell you, as a woman, if I have a chance to increase the size of any part of the average male, we’re going for the memory.

Just once I’d like to see that e-mail: “Men are going to stand up and clap their hands at these memory enhancement capsules. Women are going to do cartwheels. Send your man off to the grocery store with the confidence that he will bring back what you sent him there to get. Anniversaries? Birthdays? These pills produce remarkable results that have never been seen before with NO negative side effects. These memory enhancement capsules offer women what they really want!”

Now that one, I might read. I’d put it right up there with low- fat potato chips and 15 minutes of silence.

You can e-mail Gilligan at agilligan@wcinet.com.

(c) 2008 Telegraph – Herald (Dubuque). Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.