Ignore the Coleslaw in Your Shoe
By Jon Dawson, The Free Press, Kinston, N.C.
Jul. 24–It’s been hotter and stickier around here this week than a fat man in a tight suit. I tried to devise a way to strap a window air-conditioning unit to my back, but so many people were tripping on the extension cord I was asked to cease and desist.
Since the portable air conditioner didn’t pan out, I’ve devised some new ways to keep cool at other people’s expense.
n Go to the local supermarket, throw a contact lens into the back of the ice cream freezer, and crawl in after it. There’s no way the guy making $6.25 an hour is going in after it, so you should get a good 20-30 minutes in there to yourself before the authorities arrive.
n If your car insurance is paid up, there’s nothing like the cool stream of water that flows from a busted fire hydrant. Just back your Yugo into that sucker and then jump out and try to “stop” the water.
n Clean out the freezer. There are bound to be several bags of peas or corn that are now out of date, but they make fantastic pocket coolers and they won’t start to melt until at least mid-morning. By that time — in this heat — most people are making their own gravy and the condensation won’t be noticed.
n If your days are free, grab a book and go to the DMV. It’s climate controlled and combined with the demeanor of everybody in the waiting room, you can experience the attitude and aroma of the French without having to leave your own zip code.
n Summer is also the time for cookouts. This being the South, there is always plenty of food, which means there is usually a gallon or two of coleslaw left over. Gather up all the leftover coleslaw, pour it into your favorite foot tub, and slip your feet into some cool cabbage refreshment. Taking off your socks is optional.
n If you’re in a hurry, you may want to head over to Wal-Mart. That jet-engine blast of air that greets you at the entrance should blow at least a gallon of sweat off your torso. If you’ve still got some coleslaw between your toes, go to the shoe department and try on a few pairs of shoes.
This will free your feet of cabbage and it will provide a nice surprise for the next person that tries on the shoes.
n Last but not least, you could join a singles club for Eskimos. The cool confines of an igloo would more than make up for a diet of whale blubber.
Jon Dawson can be reached at 252-559-1083 and at firstname.lastname@example.org. Read Jon’s blog at http://jdawson.encblogs.com/.
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