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Watch Out for Fall

Posted on: Sunday, 11 September 2005, 18:00 CDT

TV critic Mark A. Perigard's guide to new and returning prime- time shows

SUNDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition": Maybe this season someone will take a nail gun to Ty Pennington.

CBS/"Cold Case": With so many unsolved murders in Philly, you'd think Kathryn Morris was the city's first cop.

NBC/"The West Wing": With Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda starring, this show is poised to go out with voter approval.

FOX/"The Simpsons": Wouldn't it be funny if Ned's wife turned up alive and no one blinked?

FOX/"The War at Home": I would pay money to see someone gag Michael Rapaport.

WB/"Charmed": Alyssa Milano gets scarier every season. And not in a good way.

9 p.m.

ABC/"Desperate Housewives": With Lynette going back to work and leaving Tom in charge, will ABC change the title to "Desperate Housewives and Hubbies"?

CBS/"CBS Sunday Night Movie": The stuff CBS wastes because it knows you're watching "Desperate Housewives."

NBC/"Law & Order: Criminal Intent": Can Chris Noth make you forget Vincent D'Onofrio for half a season?

FOX/"Family Guy": As much as I like "Family Guy," creator Seth MacFarlane isn't talented enough to hog most of the voices.

FOX/"American Dad": MacFarlane can hog "American Dad" all he wants - just so long as we don't have to watch another episode.

WB/"Blue Collar TV": You know you're a redneck if you watch this show.

10 p.m.

ABC/ "Grey's Anatomy": Patrick Dempsey's doc is married! That sound you hear is millions of women going into cardiac arrest.

NBC/ "Crossing Jordan": You know what would really cross Jordan? Tell her no self-respecting professional would dress so casually.

MONDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"Wife Swap": Now if Laura Bush switched with Hillary Clinton, I might watch.

CBS/"The King of Queens": "With Everybody Loves Raymond" kaput, CBS is banking on the fat delivery guy to keep the ratings rolling.

CBS/"How I Met Your Mother": Men eager to get married. Only on a TV show.

NBC/"Surface": Don't let the title fool you. This could be a worthy successor to "The X-Files."

FOX/"Arrested Development": I love the Bluths, but Fox has given up on this show.

FOX/"Kitchen Confidential": Check, please.

UPN/"One on One": A father and ladies' man devoted to his daughter - a funny "Kevin Hill," just without the humor.

UPN/"All of Us": The Will Smith comedy is an underachiever.

WB/"7th Heaven": The Terminator of family dramas - nothing can stop it.

9 p.m.

ABC/"Monday Night Football": Because the networks really care about guy viewers. Honest.

CBS/"Two and a Half Men": Isn't Jake getting a little too old to be called "half"? Unless this is some joke at Charlie Sheen's expense... in which case, I approve.

CBS/"Out of Practice": A bunch of nutty docs with no people skills? Sounds like a reality show.

NBC/"Las Vegas": I lost the bet a long time ago: This show is still on the air.

FOX/"Prison Break": After the implausible premiere, I canceled my visitation rights.

UPN/"Girlfriends": Most underrated sitcom today.

UPN/"Half & Half": ...And yet just a quarter of a show.

WB/"Just Legal": I'm so ashamed: It's a Don Johnson TV show, and I liked it. I really liked it.

10 p.m.

CBS/"CSI: Miami": David Caruso, this is an order: Keep your hands off your hips and no one will get hurt.

NBC/"Medium": How creepy was that cliffhanger, anyway? I'm counting on Ms. Arquette to bury "Ghost Whisperer" Jennifer Love Hewitt. Alive, preferably.

TUESDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"According to Jim": Jim Belushi is blackmailing ABC executives. That's the only explanation for this wretched drivel.

ABC/"Rodney": A sitcom about a guy whining about making it in entertainment when this show is proof he has. Excuse me, I have to organize my lint collection.

CBS/"NCIS": New cast members can't erase the creep factor that is Mark Harmon.

NBC/"The Biggest Loser": I can't watch these weight-loss competitions. Not while I'm eating, anyway.

FOX/"Bones": Finally a "Star Trek" spinoff we can all get behind. Oh, wait, this isn't about Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy? Never mind.

UPN/"America's Next Top Model": Is it me? Is it me? Because I am SO ready for Tyra's mood swings.

WB/"Gilmore Girls": I know I'm in the minority, but I'd really like to see Luke marry ... anyone else.

9 p.m.

ABC/"Commander in Chief": Geena Davis is America's first female president. Hillary Clinton must be so mad.

CBS/"The Amazing Race": It's fun watching adults trip over themselves, but this family edition mixing kids is a bad idea. Thirteen weeks of "Are we there yet?"

NBC/"My Name is Earl": ...Maybe, but you look like Jason Lee, and I'm still bitter about "Mallrats."

NBC/"Office Space": With Steve Carell's film success, expect NBC to push this sitcom.

FOX/"House": Can someone please explain to me how Dr. Crankypants is a chick magnet? Is it the cane?

UPN/"Sex, Love & Secrets.": Title sort of says it all, don't you think?

WB/"Supernatural": Cute boys vs. the undead: "Buff the Vampire Slayers."

10 p.m.

ABC/"Boston Legal": Any more cast turnover and this show will look like "Ally McBeal." We all know how that ended.

CBS/"Close to Home": "Law & Order" meets "Desperate Housewives" as one prosecutor seeks out suburbia's seething underbelly of crime.

NBC/"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit": I don't care how hot Det. Olivia Benson gets, she and Det. Stabler should never hook up. He's married!

WEDNESDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"George Lopez": Way too much yelling.

ABC/"Freddie": Way too much Freddie.

CBS/"Still Standing": I'm sitting down and changing the channel.

CBS/"Yes, Dear": Why, CBS? Why?

NBC/"The Apprentice: Martha Stewart": I predict low ratings, which may make Stewart wish she was back in jail.

FOX/"That '70s Show": Missed an excellent opportunity to go out on a high note. Now running on fumes.

FOX/"Stacked": I laughed. So shoot me.

UPN/"America's Next Top Model": Two nights of Miss Tyra? No wonder Janice quit.

WB/"One Tree Hill": The teen soap started slowly and just keeps growing.

9 p.m.

ABC/"Lost": Make-or-break year: If viewers don't start getting answers, they'll be heading elsewhere.

CBS/"Criminal Minds": Two words: Mandy Patinkin. I'm rooting for the killers.

NBC/"E-Ring": Do you think Benjamin Bratt wishes he stayed on "Law & Order"?

FOX/"Head Cases": A lawyer with anger issues? Now that's comedy! Except this is a drama.

UPN/"Veronica Mars": How many mysteries can one girl solve and still get her algebra homework done?

WB/Related.: If it's all the same to you, I wouldn't brag about that.

10 p.m.

ABC/"Invasion": Eddie Cibrian is all the proof I need that aliens walk among us.

CBS/"CSI: NY": A show for those who think "CSI: Miami" is too funny.

NBC/"Law & Order": Ching! Ching! Sam Waterston finds new ways to bend the law to screw defendants in the Bush era.

THURSDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"Alias": One pregant heroine and one deceased leading man equals quick cancellation.

CBS/ "Survivor: Guatemala": Adding two ex-Survivors to the new batch isn't a reward for anyone.

NBC/"Joey": Cancel the show, bury the reruns and salt the time slot.

NBC/"Will & Grace": The final season! Last chance to watch how big Debra Messing's head can grow.

FOX/"The O.C": A series that ran out of stories two years ago.

UPN/"Everybody Hates Chris": A lot of people will like this sitcom from Chris Rock.

UPN/"Eve": On the other hand, "Eve" could use a hug right about now.

WB/"Smallville": Hey, it's kryptonite! Every single frickin' week ...

9 p.m.

ABC/"The Night Stalker": A reporter fights the forces of darkness. Who sold my biography to ABC?

CBS/"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation": It's the No. 1 show from last season, so count on even more grisly murders. You have no one to blame but yourself .... and that body in the fridge.

NBC/"The Apprentice": Hasn't anyone told Donald Trump about monster.com?

FOX/"Reunion": I skipped my high school reunion ... but I won't miss this twisty little show.

UPN/"Cuts": A barbershop run by twits who run with scissors.

UPN/"Love Inc": Holly Robinson Peete is one of the nicest actresses around, so don't look for a bad word here about this sitcom.

ABC/"Primetime Live": What's a news show doing on in network prime time?

CBS/"Without a Trace": I'm sorry, I got lost in Anthony LaPaglia's creepy stare.

NBC/"ER": On its last DNR order.

FRIDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"Supernanny": If she really were that super, she wouldn't be stuck on a Friday night.

CBS/"Ghost Whisperer": Why do I continue to think this show's title is "Horse Whisperer"? Oh, right. That picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Never mind.

NBC/"Three Wishes": For my first wish, I wish for a million wishes ...

FOX/"The Bernie Mac Show": I'm telling you, America, this show is dead.

FOX/"Malcolm in the Middle": Coming off its best season, "Malcolm" still has life - just no network sponsor.

UPN/"WWE Smackdown!": With the exception of Chris Benoit, there's no talent on this show.

WB/"What I Like About You": Actually, Jennie Garth, there isn't anything I like about you.

WB/"Twins": I'm rooting for Sara Gilbert. After putting up with Roseanne and Half-Pint, she deserves a break.

9 p.m.

ABC/"Hope & Faith": Comedy this poor kinda leaves you with neither ABC/"Hot Properties": No, really, it's a show about real estate and not the hot women who sell it, tee hee!

CBS/"Threshold": Good news: Carla Gugino stars and David Goyer ("Blade: Trinity") is executive producer. Bad news: Brannon Braga ("Enterprise") is also a producer. Expect the dreck to rise to the surface.

NBC/"Dateline NBC": Another prime-time news show? Oh, it's celebrity news. Never mind.

FOX/"Killer Instinct": Star Johnny Messner has such a husky voice, he must have started chain-smoking while in the womb.

WB/"Reba": Sweet and sassy. If only I could remember it was still on.

WB/"Living with Fran": Loud and brassy. If only I could forget it existed.

10 p.m.

ABC/"20/20": Is John Stossel the biggest crank you've ever seen on TV? Hands?

CBS/"Numbers": Given the final episodes of "Rescue Me," Diane Farr made the right decision to jump to this offbeat procedural.

NBC/"Inconceivable": Just what I'm feeling about Angie Harmon trapped in this dumb show.

SATURDAY

8 p.m.

ABC/"ABC Movie of the Week": The films NBC wouldn't buy.

CBS/"Crimetime Saturday": The CBS shows you wouldn't watch last week.

NBC/"NBC Saturday Night Movie": The films ABC wouldn't buy.

FOX/"Cops" and more "Cops": Off to a bad start. Less "CSI" and more pulling the angry drunks over, please.

9 p.m.

FOX/"America's Most Wanted": John Walsh, saving the country, one felon at a time.

10 p.m.

NBC/"48 Hours Mystery": Why have the networks given up on Saturday night?

Source: Boston Herald

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