Quantcast
Last updated on April 24, 2014 at 1:21 EDT

Oral Sex May Cure Morning Sickness

August 10, 2012

Michael Harper for redOrbit.com – Your Universe Online

There´s nothing quite like having an instant moment of self-realized clarity when you find yourself Googling the phrase “does oral sex cure morning sickness?” It really makes you take some stock.

Actually, scratch that“¦

Having a similar instant of self-realized clarity when you find yourself teasing out the different parts of a decision which begins with the thought, “I sure am pregnant and nauseated this morning. Should I take some more Tums again or should I“¦?” can really make a person suddenly very aware of where they are in life.

I assume. I´ve never been pregnant.

In what sounds like a piece of tired Frat House lore, Gordon Gallup Jr., a professor at Albany-SUNY, has described an exhaustive set of predictions about insemination, pregnancy and semen at the 2012 meeting of the Northeastern Evolutionary Psychology Society in Plymouth, N.H.

Now, I´m not a smart man, but I´m wise enough to know I shouldn´t poke fun at those more intellectually well-off than myself, and according to his profile page at albany.edu, Prof. Gallup Jr. is a very bright man.

This mustachioed gentleman lists grip strength, kissing, yawning and semen chemistry and behavior as his expertise. (I presume not necessarily in that order“¦)

Like you, I had several questions run through my mind when I first saw this story.

“Wait, does that line really work?” was one of the first thoughts to pop into my head. Further down in my list of questions: “So, wait“¦what made you think of this?”

I´m not going to question Prof. Gallup Jr.´s intentions and simply trust that with his expertise in grip strength and semen, he knows what he´s talking about. If there´s one thing I learned from my 30 years of life, it´s to never threaten a man who can out grip you and knows more about semen than than you do.

In fact, as one reads deeply into this study, (there´s a great piece about it on slate.com) the more it just sounds like something a smooth, fast-talking salesman might say to a potential buyer, assuming the fast-talking salesman is a “frothed up” frat boy and the potential buyer is a young girl who might be just 1 drink away from “giving him business.”

According to Gallup Jr., the entire mess can be blamed on evolution. After all, our ancestors had to do a whole lotta humping in previous years to make sure we could be here today, talking about oral sex and semen on the Internet.

Gallup Jr. suggests that when a woman experiences morning sickness (whatever time of day it might be) her body is more likely revolting against this foreign DNA inside of her. In fact, Gallup Jr. suggests that, historically, this morning sickness could have been an evolutionary way for women´s bodies to “get rid of” any fetus resulting from unfamiliar DNA, such as in rape or by “dishonest mating strategies.” It´s not a pretty theory, but no one ever said they wanted to know how the sausage was made“¦

So, several hundred years later and a brief period of free love for all, many couples are using contraceptives, such as condoms, to prevent pregnancy. This is all well and good, but it´s also making all semen unfamiliar to women, even that of their chosen partners and life mates.

So, when a woman becomes pregnant and experiences morning sickness, according to Gallup Jr., her body is just reacting to unfamiliar semen, and the best way to get her over this intestinal unease is to, how do you say, “introduce her” to a little more of the baby-making stuff. In what way you introduce your DNA to her is completely up to you, but doing so orally makes for better headlines.

Of course, by following this logic, there´s really only one man´s swimmers who can cure what ails the pregnant woman.

My apologies to any potential Craigslist posters.

Though these sound like great predictions on paper, (or when cited with that special kind of earnest only achievable by a man with a hard-on and nothing to lose) these theories have yet to be, how do I say, tested.

Sorry again, Craigslist posters.

It´s not clear if Gallup Jr., will enlist several couples to perform some “in the field” research for him, or if he´s just tossing out this little nugget of gold into the public´s collective knowledge field as he helps out his brothers “in the field.”. So if you´re feeling brave, give it a shot. Just don´t tell us how it worked out.