MIAMI _ We won’t lie and tell you that life begins at 50, but we will you this: Many people have the best sex of their lives after 50.
Maybe it’s because the kids are gone and you have all the time in the world to re-create that steamy kitchen counter scene from “Fatal Attraction,” not the one with the rabbit, the other, sexy one. Or maybe it’s because you communicate well. She’s not ashamed to tell him she needs lubricant, and he’s not embarrassed to tell her he needs some physical stimulation to obtain an erection.
Whatever the case, “at a certain age when a couple have fortune to have each other and a good relationship _ not the Hollywood type _ then they should not give up on sex,” says Dr. Ruth Westheimer, world-renowned sex therapist. “If there is a problem, go see a medical doctor.”
In her book, “Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement” (Quill Driver, $14.95), she speaks frankly about overcoming age-related challenges, finding a partner and spicing up your love life. After all, a recent survey by the National Institutes of Health shows that people 57 to 85 are continuing to have sexual relationships.
Dr. Ruth, 79, “and never hiding it,” spoke on the phone from her New York apartment, “looking over the majestic Hudson,” and enthused about keeping the passion burning, between the sheets and everywhere else.
Q: How do you be intimate if you’re ashamed of your body image?
A: Because of cultures of slim and young people, older people often get very sad because they don’t look like they did when they were 25. It has an impact on their desire to be together. The important thing is you don’t have to have sex at the same time. You can pleasure him or her separately.
Q: Exercise can help, too, right?
A: Yes. The next time you’re in the locker room, look around discreetly. (Don’t get yourself arrested!) Not everyone has a great body. I’m not saying you should go to the gym five days a week for five hours. Go for walks. Make sure you move your body and have an attitude that says, “Let me do some exercise.” I used to be a fantastic water skier. At 79, I don’t do it any more. You have to honor your age. I’m not saying don’t do anything. I recently danced with a Cuban dancer. I hadn’t danced like that in a long time.
Q: What about emotional fitness?
A: You have to teach the men that it’s OK to show your emotions. Six years ago I told a friend who had walked out of the Twin Towers that it’s OK to cry. Tears are not only meant for women. Men have tear ducts.
Q: Why is communication so important for older couples?
A: When people are younger and busy they come home and discuss the children. When the nest is empty there is often nothing to talk about. You must develop a passion, some interest such as golf or Mah-jongg. When you interact with other people you can come home and have something to talk about, rather than just sit in front of the TV.
Q: How should a woman handle erectile dysfunction the first time it happens?
A: She should not say anything. She should not want to hurt him because she knows he is upset. Avoid it. Watch TV late. The male sexual apparatus is very delicate. Maybe he was tired, had too much to drink, had a lot on his mind. If it continues he should see a doctor and she should go with him, but not in a bad mood. Communicate and be sexually literate. If they don’t know that after menopause to use a lubricant, then he will not approach her because it was painful the last time. People are living longer and it would be sad if they give up on the wonderful opportunity of being intimate.
Q: In your book, you recommend erotica. Why?
A: If both are willing, sexually explicit movies in the privacy of your home permit you to have some fantasies. You don’t have to be Siamese twins; you can watch them alone, be aroused and have a good experience. Women prefer a story line. Men just want to see the act. They know that it’s not the reality of every man out there in terms of penis size and being able to do that for the length of the movie.
Q: How do you spice things up when you’re both retired and probably tired of each other?
A: Use a lot of fantasies. Don’t ever say, “I’m tired of you.” Your partner will never forget that. Go on a second honeymoon, but remove all expectations that sex will be like it was on the first honeymoon. Take time out for each other. It doesn’t have to be Paris. It can be a motel around the corner. Wear sexy clothes, but nothing to compete with a 25-year-old.
Busts are sagging, arms are flabby _ expect that. You can have sexy material that’s colorful and feels good, so you walk with pleasure. I don’t like to see older women with their breasts showing. An older woman should hide a bit and let people enjoy the other parts of her body, like the smile on her face. And remember, the bedroom isn’t the only place for sex. It can be a couch, a kitchen table, whatever is fun.
Q: When dating someone new, if the guy says he’s too old for condoms, what do you do?
A: That’s a problem. Many men are worried that by time they put a condom on they will lose the erection. Tell them not to worry about losing the erection, otherwise they will lose it. If they have a good relationship, no other relations, a condom does not have to be used. Otherwise, older people can get sexually transmitted diseases. So be careful.
Q: When is it appropriate to masturbate?
A: Always. You can use any fantasies you want, but keep your mouth shut. Not in public; in the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom … or kitchen.
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TREATING SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
The first step in treating sexual dysfunction _ a common couple’s disease _ is to go as a couple to see a urologist, says Dr. Lawrence Hakim, head of sexual medicine and surgery at Cleveland Clinic.
“It’s a very trying issue” affecting 20 million to 30 million people in the United States, Hakim says. “Some wait years suffering in silence. It destroys intimacy, marriages, relationships. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s often due to other problems like diabetes, hypertension, prostate cancer therapies. … For many men it can be the first sign of heart disease, which could be life-threatening.”
Once the couple makes the first step, they can discuss treatments, including:
_Medications such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. These are effective for many men, but they don’t work for everyone, Hakim says. Also, they could prove fatal to someone with heart disease taking nitroglycerin.
_Injection therapy. This involves the man injecting himself in the penis before sexual intercourse, a turn-off for men who prefer spontaneity.
_Penile prothesis. During a 30-minute operation, a device is placed into the penis, completely concealed. After four to six weeks of healing, the man can get a full, rigid erection anytime for as long as he wants, without interfering with sensation and urination, Hakim says.
After ejaculation, he can maintain the erection. He can deflate the device by activating a pump that sits inside the scrotum. With this, there is no risk of priapism, an often-painful erection lasting hours that can lead to permanent erectile dysfunction.
“No one treatment is right for everybody,” Hakim says. “There’s no magical pill.”
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