You’re single. You’re female. You’re home for the holidays. And when someone says, “Where’s your boyfriend?” you’re on the spot. What’s your response?
When I asked this on Facebook, women from their 20s to 60s gave a variety of answers, including these favorites:
“They couldn’t all fit in my suitcase, darlin’.”
“Where are your manners?”
“Oh s**t! I knew I forgot something.”
“My mama always said, ‘A man is not a requirement.’ ”
“I love women [winks at host’s wife].”
“I brought him, but I’ll need some new batteries.”
Yet humor is often pain redirected, and I suspect these are answers women wish they gave, rather than those they’ve actually given. Many of responses came off as defensive or protesting too much, ala’ Gloria Steinem’s oft-quipped (and scientifically wrong), “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” The more poignant reactions acknowledged their pain: “I gather stomping off in tears would be unacceptable? Seriously, I would probably change the subject immediately, then ‘have to visit the restroom.’ ”
Possibly more relevant than “What would you say?” is “Why does this hurt?” Yes, the where’s-your-boyfriend question can be prying, inappropriate, and insolent. But why does it so often have the power to wound even if the question was well intended?
It’s The Holidays
There’s a reason mental hospital admissions in North America are highest during and just after the holidays, and it’s not all about seasonal affective disorder. The mismatch between our expectations, our reality, and our perceptions of others’ perfect lives is a prime suspect too.
Humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow once noted that every time he’d been disappointed or upset, it was because of a disconnect between what he expected and what he had. There’s nothing like “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” to hold up the mirror of our expectations to our daily realities. Throw in the fact that other people’s lives tend to look happier than ours from the outside, and we feel worse still. The boyfriend question really couldn’t come at a worse time than around a table, tree, or taproom where everyone else seems to be blissfully paired, in a season that celebrates togetherness and harmony.
It’s The Programming
Amassed global evidence points towards a shared human psychology that arose from what worked to help our ancestors’ survival and reproduction. For instance, there’s no place in the world where people prefer leafy vegetables to sweets and fats; we may intellectually know we should select the salad, but our psychology desires the calorie-dense foods that would’ve spelled survival back when our choices were no food or raw food, rather than fast food.
Politically incorrect as it is, scientifically it’s clear that part of our program involves needing people. In the ancient past, as now, human babies weren’t independent right away; unlike gazelles, we couldn’t run at birth, nor take part in the herd as adults by a couple years’ age. The lengthy and risky nature of birth, nursing, childhood, and gradual emancipation as a full member of the group assured that not only would we all need a community, but that most of us would need a mate who would be there for many years. It’s still relevant: Even today, throughout the developed world, both adults and children do better when parents have an enduring bond of love. Most cultures acknowledge this, valuing marriage and encouraging/cajoling/nagging us about our boyfriend’s whereabouts.
So while modern-day scientists such as attachment researcher Sue Johnson have noted that “Dependence is a dirty word in Western society,” and pop culture tells us you should be happy all by yourself before you even think of looking for a partner, research is equally clear that a healthy human life requires depending and being depended upon. Most of us feel and actually are mentally healthier in a good relationship; we are also more productive, longer-lived, wealthier, and happier. A man isn’t a requirement, of course. But if you’re straight, a good man is a great help to you, and when you’re involuntarily single, your psychology notices the lack, and reacts with pain when others point it out.
If I’ve just made you feel even worse, that wasn’t my intention. Far from it. Ironically, many singles feel shameful and weak about wanting a partner. Hopefully, seeing why it’s natural to want one helps you feel justified and validated.
Other singles are okay with wanting a partner, but they feel shame and anxiety about not having found the right one, yet. The keyword is “yet”. Statistically, odds are great that if you simply continue making yourself available for partnering, you’ll find one who’s a great fit. And in fact, for most of us, we find Mr. Right after kissing about 12 frogs.
So back to that boyfriend question.
I don’t know how you’ll answer it to others. Maybe you’ll follow this advice from another commenter to go with the short, plain truth: “No one really wants to hear a big sob story or explanation—they’re usually just making conversation and trying to connect. Sometimes they honestly have forgotten who your satellites even are. So I have said, ‘Well, we’re no longer together, but the kids and I are fine. How are Eric and the kids?’ It was kinda hard to say at first, but it got easier.”
Finally, when it comes to your inner dialog, I hope you’ll show yourself the compassion you deserve, because science is equally clear that we all need love that comes from within, in order to be able to accept the gift of love from another:
“Yes, that comment stings. Maybe they didn’t mean for it to hurt, but that’s really a below-the-belt question during the holidays. I am hereby reminding myself that yes, I want the right partner. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, and there are valid reasons I feel that way; it’s no reflection on my weakness as a person. I deserve love. And I deserve to love myself every day, including today.”
And that’s something to celebrate.
Dr. Duana Welch is the author of Love Factually, the first book that uses science to guide men and women through every stage of dating. For more information and a free chapter, find her on Amazon or visit http://www.lovefactually.co.
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Feature Image: Thinkstock
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