By Lisa Ryckman
Remember the Disney version of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Mickey Mouse? The part where Mickey chops up the broom and each piece becomes another broom until there are thousands and thousands of brooms?
Diet books are like that. For every one you bury in the backyard or set on fire or beat into submission with a sledgehammer, two more magically appear to take its place. It’s a veritable tsunami of useless advice rising out of an ocean of obesity, and we’re all sitting ducks.
Lately, there’s been a wave of diet books that come off like somewhat pretentious, sometimes amusing and often obnoxious girlfriends, with terms like gorgeous and little black dress and hot chick in the titles. Consider this diet advice for the Sex in the City set; if you can name all of Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriends in order, these might be for you.
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Eat, Drink and Be Gorgeous, by Esther Blum
The hook: Diet tools for your rhinestone-studded tool belt.
The skinny: “Perhaps you’re looking for a dominatrix who will spank you every time you’ve been naughty,” writes New York dietitian Blum, self-proclaimed food fashionista. “If so, this book isn’t for you.” (Esther, you little minx!) Not a diet book in the classic sense, but the message – have your cake but not too much of it – is a good one. Health and hedonism? Duh and double duh!
Might work for: anyone who longs to walk a New York mile in Carrie’s Manolos
How To Fit Into Your Little Black Dress Forever, by Melissa Clark and Robin Aronson
The hook: Eat that little black dress out of the closet! (Still hungry? Snack on some stilettos.)
The skinny: A book born after new mom Robin sought chub-busting advice from her bony gal-pal Melissa, the barely there babe every woman loves to hate. Melissa writes cookbooks, reviews restaurants and eats out in New York City every night – how ever does she maintain her size 2? Simple: She exercises like a maniac and limits portions to one bite. “Cutting the food up and moving it around the plate makes not eating much less obvious,” she says, apparently unaware that anorexics have been using that one for years. The best feature: recipes from Melissa, who can cook up a storm even if she doesn’t eat a drop.
Might work for: anybody who thinks she can actually eat just one mouthful of anything
How To Eat Like a Hot Chick, by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent
The hook: Chocolate cake for breakfast and a pound of spinach for dinner.
The skinny: Yeah, that’s right – spinach sandwiches, spinach tacos, spinach martinis, spinach out the yin-yang. Lipper and Vincent have decided that spinach is the “it” food to unleash your inner hotness. It’s also the penitence you pay for any overindulgence: party like a Hot Chick – two martinis, a glass of Champagne and half a rum and diet cola, topped off with a bag of greasy fries to soak up the excess alcohol – and you’d better believe you’ll be chewing on a pound of spinach for dinner the next day, Missy. Actually, there are some very sensible nutrition tips in here delivered with a wry sense of humor and an ample sprinkling of obscenities. Really, ladies – you eat spinach with those mouths?
Might work for: Popeye
Secrets of a Former Fat Girl, by Lisa Delaney The hook: I was you but now I’m not, and you can be just like me and less like you. Because there will be less of you. Like me.
The skinny: FFG Delaney reveals seven secrets, all of which are more about what goes on in your mind than what you have on your hips. With humor and honesty, she details her own struggle to dig out from under the emotional baggage that led her to cocoon herself in flesh. No menus, recipes or meal plans but plenty of guidance on deflecting flak from passive-aggressive friends and family, jump- starting an exercise program no matter how much you hate it and saving the rest of your life from FG-mindset sabotage. Read this and maybe you’ll see past your own reflection.
Might work for: FGs who long to be FFGs
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A smattering of others:
* The Genotype Diet, by Dr. Peter D’Adamo
The hook: Turn off the bad genes and fit into your skinny jeans!
The skinny: D’Adamo says we can get healthier and happier if we just “turn up the volume on some genes and silence others,” although he offers no advice on how to deal with loudmouthed genes that refuse to shut up no matter how many times you shush them. This is an expansion of his earlier diet, Eat Right for Your Type, which based food on blood type; like this book, it had no basis in science, but it was a New York Times best-seller anyway. Naturopath D’Adamo identifies six genotypes – hunter, gatherer, teacher, explorer, warrior and nomad – and figuring out which one you are is a snap: Just check whether your torso is longer than your legs and your left ring finger is shorter than your index finger and your fingerprints are mismatched and your teeth are shovel-like and your head is at a gonial angle (don’t ask). As a nomad, my superfoods include mutton, ostrich, emu (thank goodness they’re having a special on emu wings at King Soopers!), poi and cod liver oil. I’d definitely lose weight on this diet – I’ve just lost my appetite.
Might work for: those who believe that the length of their calves might mean goat is one of their superfoods
* The Feel Good Diet, by Cheryle Hart and Mary Kay Grossman
The hook: Yo-yo? No no!
The skinny: Are you suffering from yo-yo brain? So who isn’t? Here’s the feel-good fix: It starts with a pre-meal swig of “Super pH water,” a cup of water with a teaspoon of unfiltered apple cider vinegar. It can erode tooth enamel and give you the runs, but what the hey – it also neutralizes “acid cell wastes,” no doubt a major contributor to the aforementioned yo-yo brainosity. The authors prattle on ad nauseam about high- insulin-spiking foods, low- insulin-spiking foods and the feel- good brain chemicals serotonin and dopamine. But in the end, it all comes down to a neurotransmitter supplement lozenge called “CraniYums.”
Might work for: anyone who finds the name “CraniYums” amusing
* Listen and Lose Weight, by Glenn Harrold
The hook: When I snap my fingers, you’ll open your eyes and forget you’re fat.
The skinny: No diet plan, no exercises, no recipes – just sit there and absorb the feel-good burble of Brit Harrold (CD included) and watch that excess baggage and poundage melt away. Let’s all try his “banishing- unhealthy-food technique”: Close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine a plateful of rotting fish (if that’s not sufficiently repulsive, the author helpfully suggests maggots instead). Then visualize it topped with the food you’d like to banish from your diet – chocolate, for example (no gagging allowed, class!). From this moment forward, every time you think about inhaling a Snickers bar, you’ll see stinky chocolate-covered fish guts instead. Easy as maggot pie!
Might work for: the highly gullible and deeply desperate
* Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet, by Peter Gott
The hook: Lose weight with just four little words.
The skinny: So how exactly does the good doc fill 186 pages with a four-word diet plan? Here’s how: menus, recipes and his syndicated newspaper columns, “Ask Dr. Gott,” where everybody wants to ask Dr. Gott either how he got so wonderful or why it’s so tough to follow a four-word diet. Here’s my 13-word answer: Everything worth eating in the world contains either sugar or flour or both. And don’t think that cutting out sugar and flour means you can pig out on pork rinds all day: This is all about cutting carbs and calories and fat. Consider it Atkins Lite with a twist.
Might work for: people who believe that man doth not live by bread at all
Originally published by Lisa Ryckman, Rocky Mountain News.
(c) 2008 Rocky Mountain News. Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. All rights Reserved.
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