By Dr. Michael Camardi
Q: I just don’t know what to do anymore. Me and my husband are at our wits end with my parents. Now, we love them dearly and all, but we just need a rest — we need to get away — but we don’t know if we can.
They both are in their 80s and have what the doctors called “mild dementia,” but it sure isn’t mild to us. The problem is that they live across town and both get a little fidgety and don’t finish what they start, and we’re afraid that if we do go away for a few days something will happen.
We wind up going over there two or three times a day to see if they’re all right and to get them things because we’re afraid we’ll find them on the floor one day. They own their own house and will not leave to go anyplace else. What do you suggest?
— Roanoke
A: There is a way that I have counseled people over the years to do this without feeling guilty or overly responsible and get away to recharge your batteries and come back refreshed and ready to be caregivers again.
Having a respite is key to survival in this difficult time, and I have seen so many marriages crack under the strain of an overwrought sense of responsibility for their parents. It just doesn’t have to be that way.
Anybody in the medical field will tell you that caring for another person to the best of your ability can be an exceedingly draining experience if you do it day after day, night after night, without enough rest. For families of parents with dementia, this is a 24-hour-a-day burden, seven-days-a-week marathon that few finish without profound emotional strain. Frankly I admire you and your husband for making such a commitment.
Practically speaking, I would ask you to consider the use of the following four methods in combination to gain control of this difficult situation not only for a daily routine, but also as a means of taking some time away.
First, set up a call schedule where your parents will know that you’ll be calling in to see how things are going. I like the every three hour approach until bedtime. This works well anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and people tell me their parents enjoy the contact and the attention.
Second, enlist neighbors or friends to help. Maybe as they walk by your parents’ house, would they either pick up the mail or the newspaper and give it to one of your parents? This gives a sense of friendly outside contact to your parents, and so many times this type of intervention has saved lives. Please make sure you give these good Samaritans your phone numbers so they can get in touch with you quickly if needed.
Third, invest in a MedicAlert-type notification system so that if an emergency situation were to occur, your parents would have a fast means of easily getting help. Families and patients rank this as a godsend to their peace of mind.
Finally, if your situation allows it, hire a companion to come in two or three days a week. In my experience, this can be a delicate situation if the respite caregiver is looked upon as an intrusion (often quoted as “somebody they got to snoop around my house”).
Also these folks must be vetted thoroughly before you entrust them with your parents. However, this resource can represent a good degree of peace of mind.
Once your plan is set, make sure you have a family meeting so your parents know that all of these changes are for their benefit as well as yours. Make sure the plan is understood not to be a rejection but as a means to nurture the family as a whole.
And one final word: It’s never quite as bad as it seems, and don’t underestimate your folks: They know a lot about caregiving — they were taking care of you before you were born!
Today, I’m happy to introduce Dr. Michael Camardi, a geriatrician at Carilion’s Center for Healthy Aging, and his new monthly column: Age Matters.
Camardi has been with Carilion for about three years and was one of the experts that reporter Beth Macy spoke to for her series, “Age of Uncertainty.” He wanted to start this column to help answer questions he’s often heard as part of his job.
Camardi’s credentials include being the founder and past medical director of the geriatric liaison program for Jacobi Medical Center (Albert Einstein College of Medicine) in Bronx, N.Y. The geriatric liaison program was the cornerstone service that united the inpatient management of the geriatric patient with their outpatient care.
Following his military service, Camardi trained at Winthrop University Hospital (Stony Brook University Medical School), Mineola, N.Y., where he was chief medical resident. He has received numerous awards and commendations for his contributions in education, patient advocacy, community relations and hospital administration, including Carilion’s 2007-08 “Outstanding Attending” Award from the Department of Internal Medicine residency program.
His columns will run on the third Tuesday of each month.
If you have questions for Camardi, please mail them to him at Center for Healthy Aging, 2118 Rosalind Ave., Roanoke, VA 24014, or e-mail them to [email protected] with “Age Matters” in the subject line.
— Kathy Lu, features editor
(c) 2008 Roanoke Times & World News. Provided by ProQuest LLC. All rights Reserved.
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