By Jackie Burrell
Penny Warner recalls saying goodbye on the steps of daughter Rebecca’s dorm at CSU Chico as if it were yesterday. She held it together through the farewell kisses and the fluttered waves through the car windows. And then she remembers driving home, crying so hard she could barely catch her breath.
“I cried so hard,” she says, “I threw up. I remember it vividly – – trying to let go. It’s your whole life for 18 years.”
When it comes to parenting, those sleep-deprived toddler years seem to take forever. Then, whoosh, you’re standing tiptoe in a university parking lot — or on the tarmac at a military base — trying not to weep all over your child’s college hoodie or their fatigues. And what happens next is different for every parent.
Some return tearfully to a silent, empty nest. Some rush home to gleefully redecorate. And some, like Ann Allen, head straight for the airport, ready for adventures of their own.
Allen just finished helping her youngest daughter, Karina Race, move into her dorm at San Francisco State. Now, the Concord resident is packing for a seven-week trip to India to discover new experiences and get her mind off her impending empty nest.
It was a support group that helped new empty-nester Julie Renalds — that and her crying towel.
“The first year when Amy went away I really struggled,” Renalds says. “I’ve got sisters and good women friends, but no one really understood how hard it was. It just was a huge transition.”
After muddling her way through the first year in tears so copious, she gave up on tissues, the Oakland mom put a notice in the Montclarion newspaper, looking for parents interested in forming a “discussion group.” Calls came in immediately, some from parents in the thick of the experience, and others anticipating what lay ahead.
Now, that support group has inspired a book, “Writin’ on Empty: Parents Reveal the Upside, Downside and Everything in Between When Children Leave the Nest,” edited by Renalds, college admissions counselor Risa Nye and support group co-founder Joan Cehn, with essays sharing the experiences of 26 moms, dads and grandparents from all walks of life.
Empty nest syndrome, says Renalds, has struck this generation and its helicopter parents particularly hard.
“They have trouble letting go,” she says, “because they’ve been so involved in every facet of their (children’s) lives.”
Of course, not everyone is appalled at the sudden quiet that settles over a house without kids. Some people aren’t dismayed by the lack of dirty laundry, or the unravished refrigerator. They enjoy the newfound freedom, reconnect with their spouses, or, like Linda Lee Peterson, one of the contributors to “Writin’ on Empty,” they swim naked and pad through the house in their underwear.
It can be a time to rediscover oneself, says Nye: “While you’re letting go, start looking toward yourself. They’re moving into a new phase and so are you. What are those thing have always wanted to do? Hopefully, you have a list.”
And it helps to have friends or family who have gone through the same thing. Philip Weingrow sympathized when his wife went through the process with her daughter, but it wasn’t until his son left that he fully understood.
“I didn’t get it at all,” he writes in “Writin’ on Empty.””Oh sure, I understood that (my wife) would miss her bright, fun-loving daughter. But I didn’t get it like I did when I was losing my son. And that’s the way it felt: like I was losing a part of myself.”
Carol Penskar can relate. Her son graduated from Orinda’s Miramonte High in 2005 and headed for West Point. But when the prospect of losing her daughter — now a sophomore at Northwestern – – loomed, Penskar made plans.
“We knew we’d see her less,” Penskar said. “So I had thought about it some ahead of time.”
Penskar ramped up her work schedule. She began playing more tennis. And as a longtime classroom and youth sports volunteer, Penskar looked for opportunities to shift her spirit of volunteerism into the community. She joined the board of her homeowners association, and Orinda’s citizens budget committee.
But it was the social aspect that surprised her most.
“You make all these friends and see them regularly at (sports) practice and preparing for the prom,” she says, “and all of a sudden, you don’t have that regular contact anymore. So you have to make that happen. You have to seek those people out, look for ways to be involved in the community. Tennis has been great for me because all of my tennis friends are empty nesters or approaching it. We talk about this stuff and check in.”
That helped Warner, too. She and her husband reconnected with their old babysitting co-op.
“When the kids grew up, we realized we missed those people,” she says. “We started inviting those people back for dinner. It’s the babysitting group without the babies.”
Contact Jackie Burrell at [email protected] for empty
nesters– PLAN AHEAD: Saying goodbye to your last child is a major life transition for both of you. Make plans to sustain you in the years to come. Nurture your marriage and rekindle that romance. Ramp up your work schedule. Explore volunteer opportunities. Plan to stay busy. — VOLUNTEER: Many parents spent years volunteering in the classroom. Now, shift that spirit of volunteerism into the community. Joining a volunteer group gives you an instant circle of new friends and keeps you busy.– RECONNECT WITH OLD FRIENDS: Just because the inspiration behind the old babysitting co-op or swim team parent social have gone off to college doesn’t mean you can’t still see those parents. Throw a party, schedule a coffee date, renew old friendships with parents going through the same stage of life.– REDISCOVER YOURSELF: Dig out that old list of things you always wanted to try — hobbies, career paths, cuisines, travel destinations, whatever — and start working on it.
Book talks
“Writin’ on Empty: Parents Reveal the Upside, Downside, and Everything In Between When Children Leave the Nest” edited by Risa Nye, Joan Cehn and Julie Renalds ($19.95, www.writinonempty.com). Meet the authors and hear their stories at these upcoming book talks:– TOWNE CENTER BOOKS: Oct. 6 at 7:30 p.m., 555 Main St., Pleasanton– ORINDA BOOKS: Oct. 28 at 4 p.m., 276 Village Square, Orinda– DIESEL BOOKS: Oct. 30 at 7 p.m., 5433 College Ave., Oakland- – LAFAYETTE LIBRARY: Nov. 13 at 7:30 p.m., 952 Moraga Rd., Lafayette
Originally published by Jackie Burrell, Contra Costa Times.
(c) 2008 Oakland Tribune. Provided by ProQuest LLC. All rights Reserved.
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