By VIRGINIA ROHAN
During a trip to Manhattan, my friend Julia Keller — cultural critic at the Chicago Tribune — stopped at a coffee shop and was shocked by how she was treated. Or rather, she says, not treated.
The barista, completely ignoring this distinguished woman in her early 50s, took orders from customers behind and all around her — while seemingly looking right through Keller.
“It wasn’t anything mean or hostile or rude. I was just completely invisible to this person,” recalls Keller, who struggled to get the server’s attention. “It was a young woman, which made it all the worse. I was like, ‘Hello? Hello?’ “
Ah, the Invisible Woman Syndrome — I’m betting that many boomers out there can relate.
We’re not talking about no longer getting catcalls when you walk past a construction site. Many women are probably more relieved than regretful about that age-related loss. Whether real or perceived, this is about feeling that others — from servers to salespeople to job interviewers — don’t really see you anymore.
IWS is an epidemic in Hollywood, where the only Invisible Woman who commands attention is the Marvel Comics superheroine, who can render herself unseen when necessary, but is otherwise a knockout (played by Jessica Alba in the “Fantastic Four” movies).
Several years ago, two underemployed actresses, funded by a grant from the Screen Actors Guild Foundation, made a short documentary called “Invisible Women” that SAG uses as a consciousness-raising tool. According to the film’s Web site, invisiblewomen.com, the film explores “the fading image of mature women in the media” and offers “a dynamic and thought-provoking view of ageism and its effect on the baby boomer generation.”
“As men become older, they become more valuable in our culture, and women become less valuable,” Keller said, pointing out the discrepancies in this summer’s media descriptions of 47-year-old Barack Obama as “a young man on the rise,” but same-aged Hillary Clinton supporters as “white older women.”
Now, I’m sure there are middle-aged men who feel invisible, devalued or disregarded, though none has yet shared that with me. But I often hear this complaint from women.
So does Lesley Jane Seymour, editor in chief of More, the leading lifestyle magazine for women over 40 that will hold its second annual Reinvention Convention in Manhattan on Monday.
“Getting to the root of invisibility … if you really dig into it with women they will tell you that the world has stopped recognizing them after 40,” 51-year-old Seymour says. “The moviemakers have stopped courting them. … If you’ve gained some weight in your middle age, then the designers drop you after size 12. The marketers have dropped you. And that’s what makes you invisible.”
By contrast, she says, when women are in their “baby-making” years, “everybody’s at your doorstep. They want you to buy cribs and car seats and china and redo your house, and then suddenly, you cross over into 40 in America, and you may as well be dead.”
North Jersey psychologist Carol Dorfman, a boomer herself, says the best antidote is for boomer women to focus on who we are, not just how we look.
“Cultural messages today emphasize youth, beauty and sex appeal as never before,” says Dorfman, who has offices in Englewood and Livingston. “And while there’s nothing wrong with looking good, it’s only one part of a woman’s personal image.
“The more we define ourselves by what others think, by comparing ourselves to celebrity icons or by trying to meet cultural expectations of perfection, the more likely we are to feel invalidated or invisible when others don’t notice us. The more we define ourselves in terms of our own strengths and competencies, and value ourselves in ways other than physical appearance, the less likely we are to feel invisible.”
Personal perception
If a patient came in with a story about being ignored in a store or coffee shop, Dorfman says, she would suggest that person consider other possible reasons for the poor service. “If we interpret the barista’s lack of attention to mean that we are unimportant or unworthy, possibly because we are not young or beautiful enough, then we will likely feel bad,” she says. “If, however, we attribute her lack of attention to a belief that we were already being helped at the counter, then we would be less likely to feel invisible.”
More’s daylong Reinvention Convention next week addresses the whole package — work, finances and health, as well as beauty and age-appropriate fashion.
“You’ll see women, if they feel a little bit invisible, trying a little too hard to look too young,” says Seymour. “They don’t want to be mumsy, but then, they accidentally go a little too young. … If you’re over 40, Britney Spears shock and awe is not good.”
Noting that her readers’ average household income is $96,000, Seymour says that she tells advertisers that “While you’re courting that 30-year-old, somebody has to keep you in business. And guess what? My readers can keep paying your bills. … I have the highest household income of any women’s magazine out there, bar none.”
There are signs that things are improving.
As I recently reported, network executives and TV advertisers are generally wising up to the buying power of boomers, and hit shows fronted by mature women are multiplying, especially on cable. As “Damages” star Glenn Close said, in accepting the best actress in a drama Emmy earlier this month, “We’re proving that complicated, powerful, mature women are sexy and are high entertainment and can carry a show …”
As the ratings of these shows prove, these mature actresses are not invisible to viewers.
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As you get older, aim for an elegant appearance
Lesley Jane Seymour More magazine editor in chief and host of Mondays Reinvention Convention at Pier 60 in Manhattan offers some tips and honest talk about over-40 beauty and fashion.
How much leg should you show? “Some women should never wear shorts. Some women have fabulous legs. I would never go more than an inch or two above the knee. If you have a fabulous body, then show it off in other ways.”
How bare do you dare? “I dont want to see a 50-year-old belly button out on the street during the day. You have to know where to stop. You have to say to yourself, Youre trying too hard. With women over 40, theres a certain elegance that should come from elegant dressing. French women, as they age, just look handsome. I think you can kind of aim for that.”
Cosmetic coverage: “You want to see more of the real face. Less is more as you get older.”
Change with the times: “I discovered that the way I was covering up my under eye was no longer working. Last time I learned how to do it I was 30. I didnt have a bag under my eye then. Now I have a three dimensional thing I have to deal with.”
Ditch the denial: “You have to be honest with yourself. You really have to look in that mirror. The outfit may have been great four years ago, but your body really does change quickly. Make sure that it hasnt gotten a little too short, a little too tight.”
Bring along a shopping buddy: “If you have a teenage daughter, you dont want to look like her, but you want her to go shopping with you. I dont think husbands are very good, because theyre not truthful. They know better than to tell you that your butts too big. But your daughter will tell you.” An added bonus: Shell “get you to try things youd never try,” says Seymour, mother of a 13-year-old daughter.
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The daylong Reinvention Convention will feature presentations and discussions led by More editors and guest speakers. (Isaac Mizrahi, Vanessa Williams, Cybill Shepherd, Jean Chatzky and Nancy Snyderman are among the participants.) Information/ registration: more.com/ reinvention
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E-mail: [email protected]
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(c) 2008 Record, The; Bergen County, N.J.. Provided by ProQuest LLC. All rights Reserved.
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